by Katemandi, Last Girl on Earth
Happy birthday wishes to our own Honeybadger, on whose baking the post-apocalyptic religion will be founded. Lift a glass, survivors, to our inspirational chief and kickboxer supreme — a woman who knows how to pick a good team!
This track is one classy tune, it was originally released in 1941, but has more recently been used as part of the Fallout 3 soundtrack. Fallout is a series of Post-Apocalyptic RPG games, set in a 1950s themed nuclear wasteland, so the song is pretty apt.
So you’ve decided that you’re sick of all the home ‘comforts’ and that its time to leave your Fallout Shelter and go out into the big bad world, a risky proposition but one you could well reap the benefits from IF you’re careful.
So what do you need to consider and plan for before you step outside several hundred years after the apocalypse occurred? Sure you could simply assume that other survivors have already built a fantastical civilisation who will welcome you with open arms as long lost cousins, or maybe you think it’s going to be an empty paradise. If you believe either of those two options then you are deluded. In fact if anyone thinks these two options are viable you should give them a good slap to knock them out of it. Its going to be dangerous out there and it’s going to be better for everyone if you plan for a worst case scenario.
For starters lets just begin with the environment. You have spent your life inside, surrounded by walls, in rooms that are lit with artificial light, you know everyone by name, who’s sleeping with who, who hates who etc etc. (If you’re leaving because you’re sick of all the politics then I have bad news for you, any human society you found will be the same, you’re just going to have to accept that and learn to deal with it.) Sure you’ve probably seen pictures of what its like outside, heard the tales passed down, about this mythical object called the sun, and fanciful places where you can see for miles.
No matter what the outside is like, whether its waste land and skies still full of dust or green grass and blue skies, its going to be a huge shock to your system. (I’m working on the assumption here that you have a way of knowing what time it is outside. Hopefully your shelter was built with an atomic clock and you’ve kept the same sleeping and waking pattern as you would have done if you lived outside. If you don’t know the time and you first step out when its dark, then it is perhaps advisable to wait until it’s light. This way you will be able to see what the nearby vicinity is like, you really don’t want to go bumbling around into things in the dark.
It is advisable to explore the surrounding area to your shelter’s entrance, especially make note of any major land marks. It is important that you know where you live!
However there are a few things we need to cover here before you leap off into the unknown.
Firstly the Sun, the giant burning ball of fire in the sky, no don’t look at it, you might blind yourself, or at least certainly damage your eyesight. Now the Sun gives off radiation, this radiation burns our skin and you have lived your entire life inside. Advice? Cover up. Long sleeves, hat. We had a thing called sun tan lotion once, cream we rubbed on to help protect us from the Sun, you won’t have that. Trust me when I say sun burn is nasty, sun burnt skin is incredibly painful, and you really won’t want to even have clothes pressing against the skin (this means it will be hard to carry around all that gear you’re going to need in the wilderness). Sun burnt skin eventually leads to the skin peeling, which fascinating though it is is not worth the hassle. To much Sun can lead to skin cancer, although if you’re emerging from what was a nuclear apocalypse it’s likely that most things are irradiated to some extent so really you’re probably screwed anyway. (Or maybe you do have something equivalent to what is used in Fallout: e.g. Rad-X, which prevents you from absorbing as much radiation or Radaway, which does what it says on the tin.)
Another thing you need to be aware of is that out here, in the big bad world, the temperature isn’t going to be regulated. The nights can potentially get quite cold the days very hot. Dress accordingly! This is especially important as while covering up to avoid sun burn is good, cover up too much when it’s hot and don’t drink enough then you could well get sun stroke, which can make it seem as if you have a fever and really knock you out of it. Also as it gets cold you will want to wrap up, layers are important here, and its particularly important to cover your extremities. Cold toes and fingers are unpleasant and it could, if its cold enough lead to frost bite, which you really don’t want.
So before you venture too far from home you might want to get a feel for what the local weather is like.
It’s times like these, you learn to live again but the Foo Fighters has to be on my list for tunes for the apocalypse. This song is one of my top five songs EVER. It’s got it all, funky rock tuneage, growly vocals and stunning guitar. Below is the chorus (with a few lines added for the apocalypse version). Enjoy and remember, you learn to live again!
Times like these you learn to live again (possible as a zombie/vampire/alien)
It’s times like these you give and give again (spread the virus)
It’s times like these you learn to love again (love them, then eat their brains)
It’s times like these time and time again (every day’s the same during the apocalypse)
by Apocalypse Womble
Surely nothing could be further from the apocalypse than this:
And yet, you would be wrong, for Wilma Deering’s utopia is built in a bubble, isolated from the blasted landscape outside, where nuclear war has left Old Chicago and places like it in ruins.
So, how do you do it? How do you stay living in a city like that, keeping your figure trim and athletic, and maintaining your beauty regime so that you can look this good whilst holding down a high-powered job?
|The beautiful city of the Eloi, from The Time Machine.|
|The cave-dwelling Morlocks.|
by Katemandi, Last Girl on Earth
When the apocalypse comes most soft drinks will be lost. Mere carbonated bevvies just can’t survive that kind of mayhem. Only IRN-BRU, the drink made from girders, will survive. You will be distilling alcohol in a Baroque system of tubes that used to supply your refrigerator with freon, so it will taste like mole vomit anyway. Irn-Bru will make it taste like a slightly more appetizing creature’s boak.
The recipe is simple:
- Get Irn-Bru.
- Fill a cracked pint glass halfway with your post-apocalyptic moonshine.
- Add Irn-Bru to the glass until it reaches the pint line.
- Hope you don’t go blind.
- Repeat as needed.
I first saw this film a few weeks ago, I don’t know why it took me so long.
It’s funny, gory, awesome zompoc fun!
Zombieland isn’t a film about how the apocalypse starts, there’s something about Patient Zero, but that’s not the important part. The film is all about surviving after the apocalypse has happened and fast-moving, fairly dexterous zombies roam the streets.
It’s about a socially-awkward, obsessive young man and the rules he develops to keep himself from becoming a zombie (or a zombie’s lunch).
It’s about how adversity can lead to strange alliances, and how being a bit odd or unconventional is probably your best chance for survival.
It also has two great female characters, Wichita and Little Rock (there’s more about them on this very blog).
And remember kids
Rule No. 4 Wear Seat belts