Monthly Archives: December 2011

Post-Apocalyptic Archaeology #2 – Historical Accounts

by battleaxebunny

Whether you’re trying to set up a new library or museum, have a natural curiosity for the past, need to research your next archaeological expedition, are missing useful survival/rebuilding skills or just need some handy historical nuggets to aid in the trade of ancient treasures – recovering lost historical records is a must. Now, assuming that the internet has been totally wiped during the apocalypse (I know! Calamity!) , this means searching through likely places to collect any surviving documents.

Your first choice for all things historical. If the building is relatively intact and there’s no impending doom then it’s best to leave all those books in-situ and gather together a willing crew to help fix it up and make it defendable so you can preserve all that lovely knowledge from future disaster. This will also give you an excellent place to bring books and other documents recovered from elsewhere and will make it easier for your fellow survivors to find what they need to educate themselves on the essential skills.

Also look to the ruins of universities and other educational institutions as they’ll have their own libraries you can raid. And by raid, we do, of course, mean take the books and documents to the main library so it can be built into the collection and properly catalogued and archived. Any duplicates of texts you find can either be put into store, or traded to neighbouring bibliophiles.

Also consider setting up a copying house so that the more fragile documents can have their contents duplicated before they crumble to dust. This also lets you pull a Library of Alexandria any time you’ve got travellers with interesting documents passing through your settlement – insist on getting copies of anything useful before they leave. Unless the power’s back on and you’ve got someone with a knack for kicking photocopiers into action, this will mean copying things out by hand or by arcane sorcerous means, but the time spent will not be wasted.

Like libraries, museums provide a handy source for historical information. (Also shiny treasures that your local evil overlord might be interested in, but that’s another post…) It’s likely that the apocalypse and later looting has caused significant damage to the public collection so what you’re going to want to do is find any basements or secure underground storage rooms that may have been overlooked. And don’t forget to investigate the gift shop. The replica artefacts may have been looted but there may still be guide books or artefact related history books. This will serve you almost as well as the real deal. Once you’ve secured all the good stuff, get it back to your shiny new library for the in-house librarian to attend to.

Art Galleries
Art can be a valuable information tool – it can tell you how people thought, what they did, or just what things tickled their artistic fancy. However, it’s not the most portable of things and is extremely vulnerable to damage. It will also have been high on the post-apoc looter’s grab list, so by the time you make your visit, it’s likely that all the good stuff will be gone. Again, don’t forget to check out the gift shop as a well stocked one should have plenty of art books with explanatory text which will give you the benefits of the missing art in something a little more portable and less appealing for bandits to steal.

Visitor Centres
Similarly, the visitor centres for sites of historic interest should prove to be quite useful for your research needs. Well, the visitor centres and gift shops. You can benefit from a long gone tourist board’s attempts to sell bumph to its visitors and it’s likely that the books and maps will have remained relatively untouched.

Book shops, antique shops and just about any shop in a popular tourist site is going to be host to all kinds of interesting things. Aside from the glorious treasure trove of history (and other) books, there’s old maps and replica maps, photos and replica artwork, old music sheets, antiquarian travel guides – pretty much all a girl needs to get a good grounding in the necessary information for a post-apoc expedition.

Home Invasion
People are hoarders, this we know to be true. So at some point you’ll want to poke around any empty houses that are left standing and see what goodies can be found. This can be done in combination with regular supply scavenge runs – multi-tasking is always a good thing! In addition to the spare copies of books and maps, private diaries and correspondence is worth looking at. You won’t want to miss the chance that your long dead house-owner knew something useful.

Bureaucratic Establishments
If it’s historic records you want, then hitting somewhere that had a high quantity of bureaucrats will be a goldmine. Whether it’s the local town council offices or a military base, somewhere there is going to be a room with boxes upon boxes of archived paperwork just begging to be nosed through. Historians will be overjoyed to find decades of memos and supply invoices and will happily spend months compiling it into patterns. For those of you with a need for something a little more tangible – find the right set of papers and you could have intel on some interesting new sites to explore. Sites that were hidden well enough that they survived the looting and assorted apocalyptic events and might just have a hidden cache of weapons or other useful bits that people forgot about when the apocalypse hit. Always make sure you check to see what security measures are in place so you know how to bypass it when you get there.

Research now will save you a lot of trouble later.

battleaxebunny out.

Empty Roads and pale hills

Driving to visit my parents for Christmas and it was a quiet drive. Not quite post apoc quiet, but the first two hours or so were not far off. Last year I made my way here through snow and once here was trapped for several days, on a hill, water provided by a tower, gas in a tank, generator in the shed just in case.

This year on near empty roads I started to contemplate what it would be like post apocalypse, most people dead. Would there be abandoned cars all over as per Zombieland, would they be all clogged up trying to leave the cities in a panic or would they be neatly and eerily tucked in their regular parking spaces?

Christmas Music for the Apocalypse #14: Have Yourself a Scary Little Solstice

[Another seasonal edit to replace a borked embedded video – Apocalypse Womble]

Our final ditty before the Holiday Horrors begin. Here’s the HP Lovecraft Historical Society wishing you all a scary little solstice:

On the Eve of the Christmas Apocalypse a mellow little song like this is just what you need to ease yourself into the suicide pill, or cuddle up together with your loved ones and your guns.

 – Apocalypse Womble out.

Library of the Apocalypse: Christmas with the Dead

As the nights draw in and the zombies stumble over your attempts at Christmas-ing up the front garden, what better thing is there than to pick a drink from the cocktail cabinet and settle down with some post apocalyptic reading.

Today’s recommendation is a short story by Joe R. Lansdale – Christmas with the Dead – which can be found in The Mammoth Book of Best New Horror #22 (ed. Stephen Jones).

So what’s it about?
Well, my darlings, it’s a beautiful tale of Christmas in the zombie apocalypse and one man’s quest to decorate his house and do a little Christmas shopping. There are clever tricks to avoid the shambling hoards mixed in with the sad story of the Christmas that zombiefied the local populace and a rather sweet ending that will tug your heartstrings. Oh, and Buffy gets a cameo. Of sorts.

Wonderfully written with some nifty dark humour this is an apocalyptic must-read.

Battleaxebunny out.

Cocktail Cabinet of the Apocalypse #10: Absolute Stress

Christmas during the apocalypse can be very stressful… but not so much after a glass of this! (And it’s got fruit in it! You remember what we said about fruit in drinks being healthy!) And we’ve noticed that increasing the measures of the alcohol portions significantly decreases the amount of stress felt…

Ingredients (Serves 1)

1 measure vodka
1 measure dark rum
1 measure peach schnapps
1 measure orange juice
1 measure cranberry juice


In a cocktail shaker, combine vodka, rum, peach liqueur, orange juice and cranberry juice. Shake well. Pour over ice in a tall glass and garnish with a slice of orange and a cherry. (See, fruit!)

Chin chin!

(Original recipe from here)

Christmas Music for the Apocalypse #13: The Power of Love, by Frankie Goes to Hollywood

Unlucky number thirteen seems appropriate for our vampire apocalypse song.

I’ll protect you from the hooded claw,
Keep the vampires at bay…

It’s an odd little song – or big song, I should say, as it’s nothing if not dramatic. What do vampires have to do with Christmas? What’s Christmassy at all about this, except for the video? Well, somebody made the connection, and it can’t be denied that the power of love is at the heart of Christmas, and it’s certainly essential for surviving life on the edge. Finding someone to love and protect who will also love and protect you is going to be vital in the post-apocalypse world.

 – Apocalypse Womble out.

Zombie Advice from the Experts

In a twist on ‘Ask the Experts’ I thought i’d include this part dramatic and part instructional video with advice on the zompoc from Dave Moody, Wayne Simmons and Jasper Bark. Also featuring as heroine, my own Girl Friday Kat Heubeck.


Not so funny now: The Clown Apocalypse

by GClarkHellery

Here at the GGSA we like to be prepared for anything. Not all apocalypse are the same, with brain hungry zombies charging through streets, vampires tearing at your neck or werewolves howling at the moon. But what of the more little known types of apocalypse? And how should you best prepare for an invasion of slugs, bunnies or mucus? That’s what we will be looking at today. I’m going to focus on something I know a lot of us are scared of: clowns.

Despite what you might have been told as a child, clowns are not the funny, red nosed, flat footed characters who create balloon animals. Lets be clear.

Clowns. Are. Evil.

Still don’t believe me? Then look no further than the creature in IT, Zombieland and more. See? Evil.It’s very difficult to know when the clown entertaining your children at a party will turn into an evil psychotic killer to it’s best to be prepared and have a supply of the following:

  • Forget fake squeaky hammers. Get a real, metal mallet. A couple of hits to the head should slow any clown down;
  • The red noses make perfect targets. Aim for those;
  • Clowns are easily tripped due to their large flapping feet. Place trip-wires or use debris to clutter their way;
  • Their baggy trousers allow clowns to carry a lot of murderous supplies. However, they are often made from highly flammable material so a carefully thrown match will see that clown dancing the flaming tango;
  • Clowns love balloons. Distract them with some quirky shapes to allow yourself time to escape;
  • A preferred mode of transport is the mini-bicycle. They don’t tend to travel very fast and any small bumps will knock them off;
  • Clowns can be accompanied by monkeys or other comic animal side-kick. These creatures are often more dangerous than the clown and should be approached with extreme caution. Further information about how to kill specific animals will be on this website;
  • There are many jokes about how many clowns can fit into a mini but as with every joke, there’s an element of truth. A lot of crazed clowns can fit in one small car, driven even more crazy by the one annoying clown asking ‘are we there yet?’ for the previous 36hours. Its difficult to take on a vehicle if you’re alone or on foot so it’s best if you can jam their doors before they even get out and save yourself the trouble of multiply kills;
  • No known scientist can explain exactly what goes into a clowns make-up. However, like Achilles and his tendon, remove a clowns make-up and their power slips away. Spray them with a mixture of water, and washing up liquid and that clown will be melting faster than the Wicked Witch of the West.

Good luck ladies and if you hear the music ‘Send in the Clowns’, grab your hammer and be prepared for a hell of a show. Geri out.

Christmas Music for the Apocalypse #12: Silent Night, Blasphemous Night

[Edit 24-12-12 – this video died, so I’ve linked to a new one. Same song, though – Apocalypse Womble]

Silent Night, Blasphemous Night,
People Quake At the Sight
Monsters Rising from Deep R’lyeh
People screaming `please go away’
Great Cthulhu has come
Great Cthulhu has come

Silent Night, Blasphemous Night,
Great Ones reign, Death in Sight
Horrid beasties enslaving mankind
Cosmic Terror Destroying Your Mind
We’re all going to die
We are all going to die

It’s Christmas Eve Eve Eve, in three days’ time the stars will align and Great Cthulhu will rise from R’lyeh. Or possibly the zombie hoards will rise from their graves. Or Captain Tripps will be released from a secret military base. Or Skynet will become self-aware, we’ll try to pull the plug and it’ll retaliate by sparking nuclear war between its enemies.

Whatever apocalypse is just around the corner, now is the time to prepare. Stock up on carrot seed and spades and guns and gas masks along with the mince pies.

We’re all going to die…

– Apocalypse Womble out.

[Edit: to anyone who witnessed my earlier mistakes, please attribute these to an over-eagerness for Christmas.]

Know your Idols #20 – Selena

by battleaxebunny

When the Rage virus swept the UK, there weren’t a lot or people who had the skills to stay alive and relatively sane but Selena managed it. She developed a keen survival sense that included becoming brutally efficient with a machete and setting explosive traps for swarms of infected.

What’s her deal?
Unlike your standard zombie apocalypse, the Rage virus hits fast, turning its victims rabid within about 20 seconds so survival means being able to react quickly. Luckily Selena is quite capable of this and will despatch the infected (or soon to be infected) without hesitation.

She started out a chemist, which would prove to come in useful when her backpack pharmacy was needed by her fellow survivors, and she has enough medical skills to patch up a shot wound when someone gets shot by a psychotic soldier.

And there are plenty of psychotic soldiers to deal with. When her small group of survivors responds to a sanctuary message they meet up with a group of squaddies with a very specific idea of what they want women for. Despite being outnumbered and outgunned, Selena holds her own, doing what she can to protect the teenage girl in her care until the odds even out.

And if that’s not bad enough, the soldiers have got a Rage infected soldier chained up in the back garden. Naturally, chaos and carnage ensues but Selena is one of the three left standing at the end of it and once she’s put her medical knowledge to good use (see above) the three survivors settle up north and prepare for rescue from the jets that have been patrolling the skies.

28 Days Later movie (2002)

She Says:
‘Let’s shop.’
‘Plans are pointless. Staying alive’s as good as it gets.’
‘If I never see another chocolate bar again, it’ll be too soon. Not counting Terry’s chocolate orange, of course. ‘

Whatever the situation, Selena adapts but if there’s the slightest chance you’re infected she’ll kill you immediately. She’s eminently practical, quietly determined, tough enough to see out a mass outbreak and not go completely insane, and as a bonus, she’s also got handy knowledge of drugs and basic medical skills. Definitely an asset in an apocalypse.

battleaxebunny out.