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Victoria is best described as Martha Stewart meets Mrs Smith – perfectionist home maker who can whip up a frenzy of kick ass faster than a soufflé.
What’s her deal:
A professional assassin, Victoria retired from the intelligence service after events in Guatemala. She was the best sniper MI6 had. Whilst working for them she fell in love with a Russian spy (Ivan Simanov) and her loyalty to queen and country was called into question. Putting her career before her man, Victoria staged an assassination of Ivan, shooting him three times in the chest, but missing his heart with each shot. Dragged out of retirement by Frank Moses she proves she’s still got what it takes and can take down even the best of men while wearing killer shoes, red lipstick, and an evening gown.
Red (the movie) 2010
Red (the comic) 2010 DC Comics
Frank Moses: Victoria is the best woman in the world with an RPN.
Sarah Ross: Oh, wow. Um, what’s an RPN?
Victoria: [smiling] I kill people, dear.
Victoria: I was in love with an agent once.
Sarah Ross: What happened?
Victoria: Well, I was with MI6, and the relationship wasn’t… sanctioned. So when it came to light, my loyalty was questioned, and I was ordered to kill him. It was a test.
Sarah Ross: What did you do?
Victoria: I put three bullets in his chest.
Victoria proves that there is art in assassination and brings a level of class and sophistication to the rag-tag group of assassins. She shot the man she loved to save herself and him. She also proves that there is no age limit on when it comes to looking glamorous while firing a gun and that army boots can be worn with an evening gown.
Killer heels are always a must. (Colour optional.)
Despite it being a tad annoying that the automatic ‘girl’ version of anything means painting it pink, or, god help us, adding decorative flowers, there are some items in your survival kit that you can get away with having prettied up. Like guns. Doesn’t matter what colour they are, no one is going to accuse you of being less than a hard-ass if you’re pointing one at them.
If you want to go subtle, there’s plenty of small pink guns on the market -
This one is easy to conceal with just enough pink to accent it without being overwhelming. Especially useful if you’re off on a night out in zombie-town as you can stash it in your handbag but still be ready to do violence if the hoards try anything funny.
Anything in hot pink is always a fun addition to your weapons cache and this has a certain kind of disco-diva vibe to it. Another one good for a night out but can be worn openly as it’ll finish off your dancing outfit perfectly.
For extra awesome-sauce, check out this Walther P22 – James Bond wishes he had something this sexy to take out the bad guys with. There’s digital style patterning in khaki and pink which makes it a bit more subtle than the above but still very funky.
Sometimes you need something that’ll let you shoot over distance, so here’s just the thing, with handy telescopic accessories. You can snipe the zombie hoards from the safety of a gun perch while still being safe in the knowledge that you’re bringing a little much-needed glamour to the post-apocalypse.
And then there’s Hello Kitty. More specifically, the Hello Kitty assault rifle which no self-respecting post-apoc princess should be without. Again, could do with being in a slightly funkier shade of pink but it’s a fun piece of kit and if nothing else, you won’t be accused of toting boring weaponry.
And if pink guns aren’t enough for you, there’s a host of other pinkified combat equipment out there – just avoid anything that comes in pink camo, because the only place the camo part will work in will be the girls’ section of your local toy store and how often are you going to need to hide out there?
Though having said that, just because they’re all trying to kill you, doesn’t mean you can’t be practical and glam at the same time, and a little pink camo will go perfectly with your new weapons so you can kick ass and splatter brains in style and who doesn’t want that?
So here we have Gold Guns Girls by Metric – not strictly about the apocalypse, but hey, guns and girls, right? That totally counts as Apocalypse Girl interests.
And check out the video – not only does the abandoned city-scape look like a classic post-apoc scenario but you just know that behind the camera there’s zombies chasing them through the streets…
Thanks to samueljedwards for prompting this.
We’ve talked about dating post apocalypse and about picking your team, but why would you bother? A simple human truth, we are gregarious. We need society, or we end up painting a face on a basketball.
So it’s inevitable, depending on the kind of apocalypse you might be better of alone than in a group, you will still seek out others. You will never know there intentions. in 28 Days Later our heroes head to the army base which should b safe, but rape is apparently on the agenda, even with children. Other members of your own species may want to steal your equipment and supplies, or worst case scenario, they may just plan to kill and eat you.
How then do you know who is a threat and who isn’t? Simple answer, you don’t. Never trust anyone. Your best friend when credit cards bills were your biggest problem, might cut your throat for a can of beans now the world has ended. Until you have worked and fought together you can’t even begin to trust them.
In which case what do you do? Well you can chance it and as they stab you in the back be thinking ‘but they had such an honest face’. you an get yourself a basketball, paint a face and shun humanity until society re establishes itself in pockets.
Or you can try and take a balanced view. When approaching a new person do so armed, with some emergency supplies buried nearby so if you are over powered and let for dead you aren’t completely without resources. Try to establish quickly what benefit each of you can bring to the table. Think of it as any other relationship, you each need to enhance the others survival chances to make it worth the risk. Unique selling point people. What have you got that is worth letting you live for? Failing that, be faster and more ruthless and take their stuff and leave them for dead.
Arrr, mateys. The apocalypse be nigh, or so the ancient scrolls be tellin’ me. And I ought to know, as I am also the sea-farin’ captain of the Pirate Pub, currently on a trip ’round the world amassing the most accurate data on pubs to be visitin’ around the globe that will reward yer piratical thirst.
All right, enough of Talk Like a Pirate: I’m serious here. Think about it: as the polar ice caps continue to melt, sending denizens of the white wastes ever southward, we have to face facts.
We’re lurching toward Waterworld.
d) gold earring
e) peg leg
How’s your chantey singing coming along? Long sea voyages, as the Vikings well knew, require entertainment. If you’re not whittling a new fo’c'sle or weaving new herring nets, you’ll probably have to be tanning leather, silversmithing or telling stories. And they better be good stories or into the drink you go. Sea-faring folk are a tough audience.
Want a great role model? I give you Grace O’Malley/Grainne Mhaol, the Pirate Queen.
So, if you’re wise, you’ll start working on your knowledge of ocean-going vessels and get to know the common seabirds (and how to fricassée them). Practice glowering with just one eye and barking orders without spitting. Get rid of those city hands. Say a quick prayer to Yemaya. Bring me that horizon! Oh, and learn to tie a few knots.
Having been struck down by a version of the T-Virus which has left me bed-ridden, waiting for ‘the change’ to occur, I’ve been watching a lot of movies and I’ve noticed a trend: people get turned into animals with alarming regularity. I’m thinking of ‘The Emperors New Groove’, ‘Help I’m a Fish’, or ‘Spirited Away’ to name a few.
The impact of being a bitten by a werewolf or a vampire have been covered to death (excuse the pun) and all of the Apocalypse Girls are fully prepared should the worst happen, but what would you do if you woke up and found you were a fish? Or a llama? Or a pig? Suddenly you’ve gone from being at the top of the food chain to very much on the menu. So what can you do? Here’s a quick guide for if you wake up with a surprising number of additional limbs, or none at all.
Make yourself look bigger: Ostrich, cats, puffer fish and many other creatures use this tactic. If you look bigger than you actually are the chances are any predator will start having second thoughts and look for smaller fish to fry.
Camouflage: The chameleon is a successful predator as well as being on the menu for snakes and birds of prey. The reason for their success is their amazing camouflage, so look around you. Are you in a jungle? A coral reef? Try and blend in, being unseen is your best defence.
Stay on your feet. Remember all those wildlife shows with David Attenborough’s dulcet tones covering the killing of yet another antelope? What is the downfall (excuse the pun) of each of these creatures? They don’t stay on their feet. As soon as you’re on the ground you’re as good as dead. It’s difficult to defend yourself as your spreadeagled on the floor and it’s a lot easier for predators to attack your weak spots so as the song says ‘Keep on running’.
Safety in numbers. When you’re a tasty treat for a larger predator your safety lies in numbers. Think of the ‘bait balls’ of fish such as sardines, who congregate in large numbers. In the same way that camouflage helps you blend in, become part of the crowd, it might keep you alive.
Prepare food and be patience: As an animal you’re going to have to adapt what you eat and how to fit with your new lifestyle. For example, there is a group of monkeys in Boa Vista who love a certain type of nut. However, these nuts are tough to crack so they know that in order to prepare them they have to peel away the outer layers and leave the nuts in the sun for a week or two to dry out, then using heavy stones they can smash open the nut casing and enjoy the treat inside.
Let someone else be the hero: There’s an episode of ‘Life’ (voiced by the delectable David Attenborough) where juvenile penguins discover the sea for the first time. They are all eager to dive in, but one (the hero) beats everyone else to it. And what happened? The lion seal snagged him. This goes for horror movies, space ships and most definitely humans turned into animals – let someone else be the hero because they’re the ones who frequently end up being dissected on a slab by the Predator.
Find the one who turned you: Lets face it, you don’t just wake up and discover you’re an animal. Well, ok, most of the time you do, but generally there’s someone behind your transformation. Often it’s a wicked witch or warlock, a naughty sibling intent on revenge or a myriad of other people. In order to return to your human shape you need to find this person and then use your powers of persuasion (or a firm flipper!) to encourage them to turn you back. However, if all else fails, you should by now be fully equipped to live life as an animal.