ANOS – Apocalypses Not Otherwise Specified – No2: Space Crickets

For my second ANOS (apocalypses not otherwise specified) post, I would like to draw your attention to space crickets.

Yes. You read me right. Crickets from space.

Laugh all you like (and I’m sure you are, there may even be a good deal of scornful snorting going on… snort away) because I’m pretty certain Quatermass was laughing too until he clapped eyes on this:

Grotesque and fiendish, yes? Amazing how those plucky, sneaking little insectoid aliens manage to slip beneath the radar in order to pull the kind of fast one that has cricket DNA ridden humans hunting down and killing non-cricket DNA humans in a frenzy of blood-spattered, rabid, eugenically evangelical hatred.

Oh, yes indeed… Make no mistake about it, crickets from space are a definite going concern and if one wishes to prepare for all possible apocalyptic type exterminations of the human race, one needs a solid plan for what I like to call ‘WHEN CRICKETS ATTACK!’

Now that’s not quite got the ring of Crickageddon, I admit, but it’s definitely fulfilling a retro b-movie fetish that lurks, all unbidden, in the festering, unswept corners of my subconscious. Imagine it said in one of those booming, bass-heavy voices filled with an edge of manly hysteria and I think you’ll find it a worthy title for a plan.

So, what in Hades brown pyjamas with the copulating bunnies in gimp masks does this plan consist of, you ask? I shall explain.

A) Steer clear of digs in the underground. If you happen upon, or are involved in, said sort of dig, vacate the premises at once and with due haste should you come across anything resembling a spaceship.

B) If your gobbets of insect DNA gift you with precognitive psychic powers, hang on to the shreds of your humanity with a white-knuckled grip and use those powers for the good of your friends. Fellow cricket DNA possessors may look like friends but, be assured, if step C of this plan goes into action, you’ll not be wanting to explain yourself to any friend left alive when the cricket menace is dealt with. Best to remain loyal, no matter what that devilish cricket DNA is telling you about those lowly, evolutionarily backwards, simian-type relatives you once called fellows.

C) If a towering hologram of a cricket appears anywhere in your neighbourhood, proceed at once to the nearest giant crane and energetically swing said crane into the face of the hologram. That’s a sure fire way to scupper a cricket’s most dastardly plans for world domination. People will thank you… if they have any idea what’s just happened whatsoever. Best not to expect anything, just quietly congratulate yourself and have a nice cup of tea to soothe those wayward nerves.

Now you have the plan in all its glory. Learn it, internalize it. Much like the muscle memory brought about by endless kata it must be set solid into the wobbling matter of your delicate lobes to be called upon at any moment. Then, lightning like, it will enable you to respond to the unholy menace that is unleashed ‘WHEN CRICKETS ATTACK’.

Mock not and heed my words because, let’s face it, we just can’t trust creepy crawlies of any kind, especially not crickets from space who mess with our DNA, bury spacecraft in our underground systems and use giant holograms to direct mass slaughter.

Be safe, be aware, be prepared. Somewhere out there in the deepest dark of the universe, space crickets are plotting our demise…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *