Aunty Apocalypse answers your questions: #3

If your nursing a hangover from celebrating the New Year or nursing injuries from fighting with werewolves, Aunty Apocalypse is here to answer your burning questions.

Dear Aunty Apocalypse,
I want to go to the nightclub with my boyfriend, but father simply won’t allow it. I don’t want to call them racist but you see, I’m a human and my boyfriend is a vampire. He’s very kind to me, watching over me as I sleep and promising not to eat me but my father cannot get over the fact that he is undead. When he’s not near me, all I want to do is die. I do love him with all my heart (indeed I have promised my heart to him, to eat as he sees fit just as soon as I have finished school) but all this tension is proving very upsetting. Please advise.
Depressed in rainy US.

Dear Depressed,
There are times when father knows best, and this is one of those times. There are plenty of other males out there who are dying to meet someone with your personality. Perhaps see if the local werewolf is keen to sharing his howling at the moon duties and forget your undead night watcher.

Dear Aunty Apocalypse,
I know a secret. The apocalypse is not all it seems. People claim that the infected humans went crazy after seeing the edge of space, but I know the truth. It’s all a government conspiracy but no one believes me. They claim I’m crazy but I’m just so frustrated knowing this information that I’m acting out and now the people around me are threatening to put me on medication. What should I do?
Dancing among the stars, the ‘Verse

Dear Dancing,
There have been many rumours circulating for years about ‘blue men’ or government assassins, chemicals in the water or the air, but these have been firmly refuted. Have you considered seeking specialist advice? There are very good medical facilities who I am sure would be able to help you.

Dear Aunty Apocalypse,
Everyone keeps moaning about global warning. Is there any truth in what they say or is it all just propaganda? My dad thinks there’s going to be major climate changes, but other scientists have said he’s crazy. Do you think he’s right and what should we do to prepare?
Getting warmer, New York, USA.

Dear Warmer,
There’s a lot of things I can say with absolute certainty, and I’ve met a lot of people who are experts in their field, but I’ve never met anyone who could predict the weather with absolute certainty. However, I respect everyone’s opinion and if your father believes we’re in for major rain, well, who am I to say he’s wrong? There’s plenty of advice on this website about preparing for the apocalypse, in whatever form it might take and I strongly suggest you pack a bag with food, water and weapons, just in case.

Dear Aunty Apocalypse,
Please can you settle an argument between my boyfriend and me. We’ve agreed that we are both ready to move our relationship to the ‘next level’ and buy a pet. However, he wants a zombie, claiming once trained they can help around the garden, but I would prefer a werewolf because my boyfriend often works late and I’m left on my own in the evenings. I feel if we can’t agree on something like this, our relationship has no future.
Settling, Germany

Dear Settling,
What are you thinking? A zombie or a werewolf for a pet? Are you crazy? In a flat? Before you even think of getting a pet you need to consider numerous factors: who’s going to feed it, walk it, clean up the bodies it drags into your living room? I’d advise you to find a nice property with a large open space for any pets to run around. Once you’ve defended it against the various hoards of creeps then, and only then, should you consider getting a pet.

Dear Aunty Apocalypse,
Please can you help me as I am at my wits end? I’ve fallen in love with a delightful man. He listens to me, brings home lots of raw meat for me to cook (although some looks distinctly like brains) and doesn’t interrupt me when I’m talking, grunting his agreement. The only problem is that he smells bad and he doesn’t look too healthy. I’ve started hanging air fresheners around my flat, but there’s ooze from weeping sores which does not come out of the carpet and I frequently find pieces of my boyfriend around the flat once he’s left – I found a toe under the bed the other day. Is there a future in this relationship? Good men are so hard to find nowadays.
Desperate, Willard, USA.

Dear Desperate,
It’s true, good men are hard to find since the apocalypse and everyone has their flaws. I’m sure there are things about you which drive your boyfriend crazy so as long as he doesn’t try to eat you, I’d keep the windows open, needle and thread to sew him up and a flamethrower by your bed in case his bites become more than loving.

Dear Aunt Apocalypse,
I’ve recently noticed changes in my body which I’m finding really confusing. There’s hair growing in certain places on my body. I’ve tried shaving it off, but it grows back overnight, even thicker than before.
Hopelessly Hairy, London.

Dear Hairy
Growing up can be very confusing. I’d recommend a full body wax which will keep you fuzz free until the next new moon.

Dear Aunty Apocalypse,
You always look so glamorous, whether running from the zombie hoards, or driving a stake through a vampire’s un-beating heart. Please could you share some of your beauty tips?
Fashion Challenged, Cardiff.

Dear Fashion Challenged,
There are many ways to ensure you always look apocalypse ready. When planning your wardrobe, invest in some ‘classic’ pieces such as combat trousers, trusty tank tops and decent shoes all of which you can dress up or down depending upon the latest crisis – guns for Friday afternoon shopping amongst the Aliens, a nice cardie for Sunday afternoon tea with your boyfriends undead gran. And remember, a slick of lipstick is a girls best friend!

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