We’ve addressed a number of issues in this series, how to tell if your boyfriend is a cyborg from the future, how to maintain a relationship during the dragonpocalypse etc. Now I want to address how to cope with dating the fragile ego and immense stupidity of an egomaniacal dictator.
If you find yourself the trophy wife of a powerful but fragile ego’d dictator there are some important survival rules.
- Play dumb. The fragile ego does not like to be made to feel stupid and if they control, oh say nuclear codes, it’s a good idea not to make them feel stupid. So for instance, if you come from a country where people usually learn excellent English don’t let on. Speak with lots of accent and f*ck up simple phrases. It’s well established (looking at you Love Actually) that some men adore women with whom they cannot communicate effectively. While the fragile ego may enjoy boasting of your many languages, he doesn’t actually want to be faced with them when his grasp of even the one native to him is limited. So play dumb. Literally if you like, not actually speaking at all is as safe a ploy as any.
- Maintain a ferocious beauty regime. It is hugely important to the fragile ego of your dictator that you be fancied by everyone he knows. He may even encourage crude jokes at your expense. You need a thick skin and flawless makeup to survive this one. Ignore his expanding waistline and thinning hair, you are how he convinces himself he is attractive, not his mirror. It’s entirely possible the thought of engaging in sex with this person will help curb your appetite, it’s not healthy, but it’s a survival mechanism.
- If you have powers similar to those of Regina in Once Upon a Time we recommend removing your heart and locking it in a box somewhere safe. You won’t need it, it’s only going to cause you pain. Stuff your humanity in their too if you can. And some emergency cigarettes.
- Learn from history. If you catch wind of guillotines being erected, or someone mutters something about eating cake, or one of your husbands mad monk advisors is repeatedly assassinated, bundle up the children and flee in the middle of the night, it will not end well.
At this point you may be thinking you are in an abusive relationship. You have to effectively hand over your power and your autonomy, switch off your brain, spout utter nonsense in public while any sanity you have curls up and dies, and to top it all he’s not even pleasant to you in front of his new colleagues. You would be right, these are all hallmarks of an unhealthy at best and likely abusive relationship. If we thought it was safe for you to do so we would urge you to leave. However, if it’s any comfort, when you are the trophy wife of a crazed and childlike despot, the whole country suffers with you. The whole country is in an abusive relationship and it can’t leave either.
NB : The GGSA does not support the guillotining of public officials.
Ok Apocalypse fans, we are getting the bad back together.
In 2012 we started this project as a fun way of looking at the apocalypse from an alternate view point, all the manuals seemed to be by men. This was our Sarah Connor guide to the end of the world. Against a backdrop of the end of the Mayan calendar this was fun, a little flippant.
We have been quiet for a long time, because 2012 passed and life was busy and the future bright. Now however we feel perhaps we aren’t the only ones who need the GGSA again.
We hope to maintain our sense of fun, but there is a darker edge to the GGSA now, we are older, more cynical and working against a political backdrop that is, to say the least, less optimistic.
It is perhaps fitting then that the GGSA team are pulling on their combat boots and arming for bear on Inauguration Day.
Anthology call for submissions that might be of interest to the apocalyptically minded.
It’s all been pretty quiet on here. I suspect we are all a tad disheartened by the complete faliur on t he worlds part, to end in 2012. Still, it never hurts to prepare and I for one will keep on planning for every eventuality.
I’ve been clearing the garage to make room for supplies, also found my axe which is excellent news. I’ve also been thinking, perhaps if the world doesn’t end, we should be seeking to take it over because i’m generally disappointed in many things at the moment. I reckon we could do a better job in charge.
Something to think on. Plans for world domination ladies?
Even Apocalypse Girls have Dad’s and mine is a believer in preparation.
He recently got me a wind up torch to keep in the boot of my car. It’s a cheapish one from argos that you can charge by hand winding or through the car cigarette lighter. An essential part of any Apocalypse Girls go bag. 4
This is the one I was given, but there are lots of options out there for a wind up torch.
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As an apocalypse girl I can tell you I have had hours of fun destroying the earth. I eventually moved on from slightly rude plagues to fluffy names like ‘Weasels’ yes it amused me reading ‘Weasels has destroyed humanity’.
I particularly like the little news flashes ‘Society has broken down in the UK’ or ‘Greenland executes infected’.
It’s like tetris, it’s brilliance is it’s simplicity.
Lara Croft started life as a pixelated person running around stealing stuff and shooting people and endangered or even previously thought extinct species. Her mythology has developed somewhat since then. This present day female Indiana Jones has a series of games, two movies where she is played by Angelina Jolie, comics and has been portrayed by a series of models.
What’s her deal?
Lady Croft (as she certainly was in the movies if not before) is a tough and beautiful tomb raider, addicted to the adventure, fearless and ruthless if she has to be, she is in it for the crack rather than the money and certainly not seeking world domination. Adventure and danger for the sake of it, which is of course why we like her. It’s all well and good being strong and brave when you have no choice, but when you just think it looks like fun, that puts you in a different league.
Lara Croft (Tomb Raider Legend 2006): I don’t know, let’s see. Try begging for your life like you did the last time we spoke.
Lara Croft (Tomb Raider Legend 2006): Make sense right now or I swear I will execute you right where you stand!
Lara Croft (Tomb Raider film 2001): I woke up this morning and I just hated everything.
Lara Croft (Cradle of Life 2003) : Please. You don’t think I’d go vaulting into thin air for nothing, do you? I put a tracer on the crate.
A contemporary idol and adventurous spirit. Lara is wilful, independent and in spite of her dubious career does the right thing when it really counts. A great idol for an apocalypse girl.
Ok, I know what you are going to say, you can’t afford a large, lead lined nuclear bunker under your garden, especially as you live in a first floor flat. Fine and fair, but for many of us there is something we can do in terms of preparing a reinforced space to retreat to.
Starting with the obvious. The Garage.
I foyu are fortunate enough to have a garage you may well be like me. My garage is full of the debris of a previous relationship, old tool boxes, gardening stuff and a moulding weights bench. The plan for my garage is simple though. Clear it out, put up some racking make it a useable space. Now my garage even has a power point and lights, so worst come to worst and my home turns out to be no where near zombie proof enough (which I suspect to be the case) then I have somewhere I can retreat to with the cats. What I need is to set it up. That means water, a storage heater, a toilet, food and cat food supplies (things with long expiration dates and circulate into your home restocking into the garage, the little camping stove and gas, sleeping bag and the tool boxes and garden implements can stay for defence. I’ll also need to rig up some means of seeing outside without giving my presence away. That requires more thought.
In a push though it doesn’t have to be a nice big comfortable garage. Line your loft with those heat blankets they use for runners to disguise your body heat from searches and create a little last resort bolt hole up there, even the cupboard under the stairs could be used in this way if needs be, remove the outside handle on the way in and stay quiet till trouble passes.
Take a walk around your home and think, what can you do if aliens or zombies attack and you need to convince them there is no one left alive in your home?
If you live in the UK you will, by now have noticed the damp. Flash floods, endless days of grey drizzly wetness, houses washed out, ponding in the streets. Oh it’s not so severe really, but it has gone on all summer. Wettest summer since records or something. Not much of a summer at all really.
This is of course the sort of apocalypse we could have. We could all end up just washed out, damp, depressed and facing gradually rising waters. Grab your sandwich boards folks, ‘The end is nigh’. Nothing so dramatic as the next ice age or an asteroid to wipe out mankind. We just drown. It’s all very bibilical if you are that way inclined, but i’m not and instead it’s making me think practical thoughts. Thoughts like… ‘I wish I had a Kayak in the garage’ and ‘what would the world look like after a Rainpocalypse’. Then I realised, that ones easy.. it would look like this…
Yup, Waterworld. A terrible cheesy, Mad Max on Water of a movie but none the less this could be our future (hopefully with less Kevin Costner and no small children acting as maps to dry land).
Perhaps as guardians of apocalyptic survival, we should be busy constructing small sustainable towns on large reservoirs, just to be ready.
Joan De La Haye is a South African author whose post apocalyptic zombie novella Oasis comes out later this month.
So since it’s obviously been on her mind we invited Joan to share her thoughts about the apocalypse with us.
What’s your favourite apocalypse scenario and why?
I love the Resident Evil movies! I find the idea of human mutation, whether by natural means or test tubes, fascinating.
Can you imagine mutating into something really cool, but deadly? And then doing that on a global scale?
Every living breathing person mutating into something either absolutely amazing or completely horrific.
Oh! The fun I could have with that …
Learn how to shoot! If the end is coming, you’re going to have to be able to shoot to kill, whether it’s to defend yourself against Zombies or other people who want your stuff.
Sooner or later you’re going to have to pull that trigger and you’ll live longer if you know how to aim properly.
Good question! I think having a survival kit under your bed is probably a good idea and just being prepared, but spending your life savings on a bunker under your house may be a bit excessive. But then again, if the world really does end in an atomic war, you’ll be glad you did and the rest of us who thought you were bat shit crazy will be begging you for a place in it.
I’ve got a space blanket, a swiss army knife, hiking boots, camo cargo pants, a machete (it doesn’t run out of bullets), a revolver and spare amo. And because I’m a writer I’ve also got an empty journal and a few pens. A writer has to write no matter how bad the shit is hitting the fan.
I think Electricity and running water are the most important ingredients to civilisations survival. If we can defend those two, everything else can be rebuilt.
That even when things are at their worst, you still need to find a glimmer of hope. Hope can be found in all sorts of places. It can be found in a simple smile, in a child’s giggle.
Laughter and hope go together. So stop and find something to laugh about. Sing and dance and make music. I’m a firm believer in that old saying: Eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we die.
Obviously family and good friends come first. It also depends on how much food and space I have and what those refugees have to offer.
If they’re hysterical and are going to get me and everybody else killed, they can fend for themselves. Harsh, I know. But we are talking about survival here.
By having more than one survival kit and then stashing them in a few places, that way I’ll never be caught short.
I’d go back for my dog, Tolstoy. He’s too beautiful to be left to be turned into a zombie dog. Plus he’s a husky, so he can pull a sled with all my survival gear. He’ll come in handy.