Aunty Apocalypse

Dear Readers

Aunty Apocalypse is in and she wants to know what you want to hear about! Use the comments section for this post to let us have your thoughts on what you want to hear about on the GGSA.

Aunty Apocalypse answers your questions: #3

If your nursing a hangover from celebrating the New Year or nursing injuries from fighting with werewolves, Aunty Apocalypse is here to answer your burning questions.

Dear Aunty Apocalypse,
I want to go to the nightclub with my boyfriend, but father simply won’t allow it. I don’t want to call them racist but you see, I’m a human and my boyfriend is a vampire. He’s very kind to me, watching over me as I sleep and promising not to eat me but my father cannot get over the fact that he is undead. When he’s not near me, all I want to do is die. I do love him with all my heart (indeed I have promised my heart to him, to eat as he sees fit just as soon as I have finished school) but all this tension is proving very upsetting. Please advise.
Depressed in rainy US.

Dear Depressed,
There are times when father knows best, and this is one of those times. There are plenty of other males out there who are dying to meet someone with your personality. Perhaps see if the local werewolf is keen to sharing his howling at the moon duties and forget your undead night watcher.

Dear Aunty Apocalypse,
I know a secret. The apocalypse is not all it seems. People claim that the infected humans went crazy after seeing the edge of space, but I know the truth. It’s all a government conspiracy but no one believes me. They claim I’m crazy but I’m just so frustrated knowing this information that I’m acting out and now the people around me are threatening to put me on medication. What should I do?
Dancing among the stars, the ‘Verse

Dear Dancing,
There have been many rumours circulating for years about ‘blue men’ or government assassins, chemicals in the water or the air, but these have been firmly refuted. Have you considered seeking specialist advice? There are very good medical facilities who I am sure would be able to help you.

Dear Aunty Apocalypse,
Everyone keeps moaning about global warning. Is there any truth in what they say or is it all just propaganda? My dad thinks there’s going to be major climate changes, but other scientists have said he’s crazy. Do you think he’s right and what should we do to prepare?
Getting warmer, New York, USA.

Dear Warmer,
There’s a lot of things I can say with absolute certainty, and I’ve met a lot of people who are experts in their field, but I’ve never met anyone who could predict the weather with absolute certainty. However, I respect everyone’s opinion and if your father believes we’re in for major rain, well, who am I to say he’s wrong? There’s plenty of advice on this website about preparing for the apocalypse, in whatever form it might take and I strongly suggest you pack a bag with food, water and weapons, just in case.

Dear Aunty Apocalypse,
Please can you settle an argument between my boyfriend and me. We’ve agreed that we are both ready to move our relationship to the ‘next level’ and buy a pet. However, he wants a zombie, claiming once trained they can help around the garden, but I would prefer a werewolf because my boyfriend often works late and I’m left on my own in the evenings. I feel if we can’t agree on something like this, our relationship has no future.
Settling, Germany

Dear Settling,
What are you thinking? A zombie or a werewolf for a pet? Are you crazy? In a flat? Before you even think of getting a pet you need to consider numerous factors: who’s going to feed it, walk it, clean up the bodies it drags into your living room? I’d advise you to find a nice property with a large open space for any pets to run around. Once you’ve defended it against the various hoards of creeps then, and only then, should you consider getting a pet.

Dear Aunty Apocalypse,
Please can you help me as I am at my wits end? I’ve fallen in love with a delightful man. He listens to me, brings home lots of raw meat for me to cook (although some looks distinctly like brains) and doesn’t interrupt me when I’m talking, grunting his agreement. The only problem is that he smells bad and he doesn’t look too healthy. I’ve started hanging air fresheners around my flat, but there’s ooze from weeping sores which does not come out of the carpet and I frequently find pieces of my boyfriend around the flat once he’s left – I found a toe under the bed the other day. Is there a future in this relationship? Good men are so hard to find nowadays.
Desperate, Willard, USA.

Dear Desperate,
It’s true, good men are hard to find since the apocalypse and everyone has their flaws. I’m sure there are things about you which drive your boyfriend crazy so as long as he doesn’t try to eat you, I’d keep the windows open, needle and thread to sew him up and a flamethrower by your bed in case his bites become more than loving.

Dear Aunt Apocalypse,
I’ve recently noticed changes in my body which I’m finding really confusing. There’s hair growing in certain places on my body. I’ve tried shaving it off, but it grows back overnight, even thicker than before.
Hopelessly Hairy, London.

Dear Hairy
Growing up can be very confusing. I’d recommend a full body wax which will keep you fuzz free until the next new moon.

Dear Aunty Apocalypse,
You always look so glamorous, whether running from the zombie hoards, or driving a stake through a vampire’s un-beating heart. Please could you share some of your beauty tips?
Fashion Challenged, Cardiff.

Dear Fashion Challenged,
There are many ways to ensure you always look apocalypse ready. When planning your wardrobe, invest in some ‘classic’ pieces such as combat trousers, trusty tank tops and decent shoes all of which you can dress up or down depending upon the latest crisis – guns for Friday afternoon shopping amongst the Aliens, a nice cardie for Sunday afternoon tea with your boyfriends undead gran. And remember, a slick of lipstick is a girls best friend!

Aunty Apocalypse answers your questions: #2

Aunty is back to answer more apocalypse questions. Tweet your queries to @apocalypsegirls or leave them in the comments here for the next column.

From @SheOfTheStars:
@ApocalypseGirls How much pepper spray should I stock up on? Will a Beretta 92′ be an adequete firearm & do grenades come in pink? 🙂

Aunty and her small arms expert Foxglove said:
With regards to pepperspray, you just need two cans, a back up is always good, then you make your own, carry a coffee grinder, although this recipe doesn’t even need that.

Beretta 92 series are perfectly adequate 9mm weapons. #PinkGrenades #IWantSome

Well, you can have guns colored pretty much any color you want… try here 🙂

From @gary_riddle1
@ApocalypseGirls if a vampire was bitten by a zombie would it become more or less dangerious?

vampires need living blood to keep them young and zombies are no longer prone to infection, so it’s not a problem. However a recently fed vampire might be mistaken for living and be bitten by a zombie, and being already dead I would expect an increase in it’s appetite and to see zompires devouring entire bodies, leaving only clean picked bones.

From @Cazzylina
@ApocalypseGirls I am addicted to chocolate. Apart from building up a(nother) stash in a bunker, what tips does Aunty have for addicts?

@Cazzylina hmm addiction in tough in an apocalypse. I suggest you stash not only chocolate but look into vacuum sealing some cocoa beans and have them stashed near fairly apoc proof land marks to dig up when the worst is over so you can get a crop growing. Finally hot chocolate powder, not great but will do in a pinch and is light and easy to carry. x

Aunty Apocalypse answers your questions:

by Honeybadger (Aunty may change post to post)

Thanks to @Pornokitsch for these via twitter

PK: What six apps do I need for the apocalypse?

Aunty: ooh apps is a good question, we shall address this on the blog after a couple of days research. (bottom of this post)

PK: Cricket bat or baseball bat? Which is better for zombies?

Aunty: baseball, it’s got a better swing and is more aerodynamic. also, zombies just aren’t cricket.

PK: How many pairs of socks should I pack in my emergency kit?

Aunty: you need three pairs of socks, the ones you have on and two pairs of hiking socks so you always have a dry pair

PK: Which canned products are the most enjoyable after six years in an underground bunker?

Aunty: you only really need to hide in a bunker for about a year, and you will be sick of everything canned by then, but make sure you stock some canned fruit because you may need the sugar.

Apps then:
Aunty Apocalypse does the research so you don’t have to.

First of all you have no idea where you will end up on your travels, so it’s important to have a good gps app.
There are some excellent ones out there for a fee, but to be honest google map is pretty good and can even tell you where Nero’s was (there may still be coffee) so why pay out even post apocalypse if you don’t have to. Techradar recommend the Tom Tom app if you want to pay for something.

You want to keep up with what’s going on, if the phones are still working so apps aren’t rendered totally useless anyway, then twitter is probably your best bet for a quick snapshot of the situation. you probably already have a favourite twitter client, mine is Tweetdeck, though I also use twitter’s own for when TD is being a pain. I like tweetdeck for the multiple column set up, everything in one instant, nice and neat.

You want to know what is going on come the apocalypse, as long as news channels survive. I recommend Reuters although I personally avoid news as much as possible. Still, come the apocalypse I will probably regret not downloading this.

You are not going to lug your whole library with you in boxes come the apocalypse, so get yourself an app and shove as many books on as you can. I use ibooks and kindle, but Stanza also come highly recommended. Mashable has an excellent top five breakdown for reading apps so you can make your own decision.

It’s going to be a long apocalypse. I suggest something simple, Angry Birds or Tetris perhaps, simple and addictive, just endlessly trying to outdo yourself. It’ll help on those long nights of watch duty trust me.

ok this may sound nuts, but when you are on the road and fighting zombies, shelter can be a tricky issue. Is it worth risking a fire or is it not really that cold? Is it essential to forage several days food and find cover to wait out a sudden snowstorm? These things matter. gigaom gives a good round up of the best ones and i’d probably just go with the weather channel.

So there you go, 6 apps every apocalypse survivor needs.
Honeybadger out.