We’ve addressed a number of issues in this series, how to tell if your boyfriend is a cyborg from the future, how to maintain a relationship during the dragonpocalypse etc. Now I want to address how to cope with dating the fragile ego and immense stupidity of an egomaniacal dictator.
If you find yourself the trophy wife of a powerful but fragile ego’d dictator there are some important survival rules.
- Play dumb. The fragile ego does not like to be made to feel stupid and if they control, oh say nuclear codes, it’s a good idea not to make them feel stupid. So for instance, if you come from a country where people usually learn excellent English don’t let on. Speak with lots of accent and f*ck up simple phrases. It’s well established (looking at you Love Actually) that some men adore women with whom they cannot communicate effectively. While the fragile ego may enjoy boasting of your many languages, he doesn’t actually want to be faced with them when his grasp of even the one native to him is limited. So play dumb. Literally if you like, not actually speaking at all is as safe a ploy as any.
- Maintain a ferocious beauty regime. It is hugely important to the fragile ego of your dictator that you be fancied by everyone he knows. He may even encourage crude jokes at your expense. You need a thick skin and flawless makeup to survive this one. Ignore his expanding waistline and thinning hair, you are how he convinces himself he is attractive, not his mirror. It’s entirely possible the thought of engaging in sex with this person will help curb your appetite, it’s not healthy, but it’s a survival mechanism.
- If you have powers similar to those of Regina in Once Upon a Time we recommend removing your heart and locking it in a box somewhere safe. You won’t need it, it’s only going to cause you pain. Stuff your humanity in their too if you can. And some emergency cigarettes.
- Learn from history. If you catch wind of guillotines being erected, or someone mutters something about eating cake, or one of your husbands mad monk advisors is repeatedly assassinated, bundle up the children and flee in the middle of the night, it will not end well.
At this point you may be thinking you are in an abusive relationship. You have to effectively hand over your power and your autonomy, switch off your brain, spout utter nonsense in public while any sanity you have curls up and dies, and to top it all he’s not even pleasant to you in front of his new colleagues. You would be right, these are all hallmarks of an unhealthy at best and likely abusive relationship. If we thought it was safe for you to do so we would urge you to leave. However, if it’s any comfort, when you are the trophy wife of a crazed and childlike despot, the whole country suffers with you. The whole country is in an abusive relationship and it can’t leave either.
NB : The GGSA does not support the guillotining of public officials.
I have to say yes. Why? Well to put it simply, you (women, unless something kills all the men) will be the considered weak and useless, unless it’s on your back or cooking and cleaning. At humanity’s best, it’s still a very sexist place to be. So why not use what we were born with a.k.a. boobs, legs and butts.
Let’s talk about what we know. Men are genetically disposed to boobs, legs and butts, they can’t help but stop and stare at the woman walking on the sidewalk or trip over themselves to help a pretty lady. They are mostly ruled by their bottom brain. Not news to me, but some women out there need to know that no matter how you look now, when the population is cut by 80% even the big girls will get love.
Now looking good can also save your life. How you ask? Well lets see. A bad man won’t think twice to kill a dirt stinky person begging for their life. But, if you take that same woman clean her up and make her look good and hold her head up high. He can’t but respect that and may even not kill her right away. (Which will be his downfall, girls kill with a smile.) All you need is time. Time to think of how to get out of whatever situation you’re in or to persuade the other party in your favor. I vote to be killed them on upon their hesitation unless you can better use them to your own means.
I have always told myself I will never look like that hag on the movies that is begging for her life. She had yellow teeth and bad hair and was running ( and failing) from a biker gang bent on of raping and pillaging. NO SIR! I will be the one standing my ground, looking good and making those bikers worship me for the goddess that I am. And if not I will be planing a way distract and runaway to live another day. So remember, looking good can either save your life or help make you one, be prepared for either.
It’s been hell, years of supernatural factions fighting and we were caught in the middle and now humans are the minority species. I blame the tomatoes myself (Kim Harrison, The Hallows). So here you are, one of the few remaining pure blood humans, the vamps think you are a walking talking drink, the fae see you as some kind of amusing toy, pretty much everyone is stronger, better, faster and meaner than you are. It’s tough surviving, but dating? Well what is a girl to do?
Whether they are insipid sparkly eternal teens, slayer obsessed moody and melodramatic, 80’s punks in leather jackets, genuinely terrifying and fearsome, or actually your best mate who will always help you move as long as it’s at night, there are some things that are generic.
Vampires want to drink your blood. Even if they are sworn off it they still want it, they can’t help it, that’s who they are. Some of them may use you as a walking thermos, keeping you in thrall, others might share you around at parties, often they have no choice but to share you with their boss if he or she fancies a drop. They won’t always tell you going into it either, but there is usually a very clear hierarchy and it’s difficult to protect a human pet.
You may also wish to consider, most sleep all day and are up all night, some will want to turn you so you can be together forever (seriously, think about it, forever is a long time when you only live to 73, what about 703?), otherwise they stay young and pretty while you grow old and die. Their hands are always cold, which may or may not be your thing and in theory, there can never be children, or sunshine holidays in the Maldeves.
The Fae come in lots of form, some shape shift others don’t, they can have peculiar powers or massive strength, they could be half tree. They are a fractious lot often indulging in century long spats and endless in fighting. Thing is, they have no regard for any life, yet alone human, so think carefully before dating a fae.
The Fae tend to think of us a bit like, well you know your favourite barbie/bratz/action man/my little pony? Yeah like that only more fun because we are interactive.
You have to think of them as uber powerful sociopaths to stand a chance of knowing how to deal with them. I know it sounds harsh, but even the nice ones struggle with empathy and human values. Thing is, they well expect you to adapt to them, not the other way round. Also, they struggle with pregnancies, so they may only want you for your fertile womb and will be appalled when you try to explain what the pill is and why you don’t want to spend your life as a baby factory. They are often beautiful though, worth noting so of course if you are a borderline sociopath with a massive desire to reproduce then these may be just the faction for you, and they do get some flash cribs and the whole messing with time thing when you go Underhill.
Ok we will focus on demons here but don’t be fooled, the other side are just as bad. Different team, same game.
Anyway, it’s not unknown for demons to fall in love with humans, and it can seem very romantic. After all they are risking everything to be with you and when you have lived in hell that’s not just the cozy house and the dog you know?
So great, you fall in love, he gives hell the slip, maybe even gives up his powers. Then what? Can you really trust someone whose purpose was the downfall and torture of your kind? Can he live with the millions of horrific things he’s done to people just like you? What practical job skills does he actually have? Has he even really left or are they just giving him a career break to see how it all develops?
How long before he goes back to his old ways? If he comes in late and throws his clothes straight in the wash will you worry most about whether he’s having an affair or whether he’s been out killing people?
Really you need to think about these things.So just to reiterate… He’s a demon, what the hell are you thinking?
On the plus side, they do get some really cool powers to play with.
Like vampires werewolves come in different varieties, some of them are terrifying drooling, rip you apart and devour your innards types, others are big strong hunky men who go furry from time to time. We had a defence of werewolves posted yesterday and I for one would go this route in dating a supernatural. Not restricted to night time like vamps, not so inclined to treat us as a queer pet as the fae and far less likely to end up messing with your soul than demons.
I think I can handle occasional furriness and cleaning rabbit blood out of the carpet from time to time. There are potential issues, if you get a traditional were rather than the urban fantasy sort you need a very strong dungeon and either way you are gong to be the butcher’s best client, but over all dating after a supernatural uprising I think weres are the best bet.
by Katemandi, Last Girl on Earth
My esteemed colleague MadNad cast the werewolf as an unrelenting enemy of any girl’s survival of the apocalypse. I think this ancient prejudice must be countered with firm evidence. Just as their animal counterparts have been hunted nigh on to extinction in many areas, the werewolf too has faced unwarranted fear because of ancient propaganda. In the interest of historical accuracy and improved general relations, I hope to sweep away centuries of misunderstanding and enmity.
This has nothing to do with my being in love with a werewolf: that’s just coincidence!
There is abundant evidence of the positive traits of werewolves. Down through the ages have demonstrated their very human side: which is to say that some are good and some are bad, but as a group they are no worse than the humans they begin life as. For every Stubbe Peter, there is an elegant and noble Bisclavret.
Not only are werewolves not your enemy, but they can make a brilliant addition to your post-apocalyptic survival team — you just need to take sensible precautions around the full moon. How will the werewolf help your team?
1) Superb strength and agility
2) Teeth ripping action
3) Tracking abilities
4) Element of surprise
5) Extrasensory capabilities
6) Warm fur/high body temperature
Befriend the wolf: you won’t regret it. But you might want to be careful about wearing that red hood…
In most Dragon mythology they are fixed form, so unless this is an Urban Fantasy apocalypse with strains of Yasmin Galenorn then chances are you don’t have to worry about your lover turning out to be a dragon. Of course if that’s your preference then fine, go for it, I don’t much fancy your chances of a happy every after, or even a happy ending massage but if fire and scales and probably getting eaten do it for you then far be it from me to belittle your choices.
That aside, what are common man issues in a Dragon apocalypse.
Well, in any apocalypse there is a good chance of not surviving all that long, but dragons’ make it particularly difficult to grow crops and rear livestock. The strong young men are likely to be out fighting dragons and so your selection is either, the occasional quick fling with a dragon hunter or you are stuck with the very old or the very young.
Dragon hunters it is then.
So first consideration, the life expectancy is short so don’t be looking for anything more than a bit of instant gratification. That has it’s place so absolutely go for it, but don’t be surprised if they are gone in the morning and a crispy treat three days later. Rule 1 # lower your expectations
Quite often killing a dragon will bestow powers on the hunter, so the ones that live longer tend to be wiley, often mages in the long run and that has been known to short fuse the brain. They often start to think they can be King of the Dragons and control them with the power of their mind or they start seeking world domination or both. Dragon hunters that live more than a few years into the job are usually batshit nuts and that nice guy with the great biceps you started dating, gets thinner and paler and spends far too much time muttering to himself and reading old scrolls. Rule #2 beware maniacal laughter.
We tend to assume it’s men who will be out killing dragons, but if the dragon requires a sacrifice to keep it from destroying your village, you might be surprised how many girls will cut their hair, strap their boobs down and learn to arm wrestle. Seriously, sacrificed to a dragon or pretend to be a boy? It’s a no brainer isn’t it! If they have survived this long without being found out they are good at it too. So, you need to know if the guy you are setting your sights on is a guy. It can be difficult to talk someone pretending to be a guy into taking a dip or otherwise getting naked in a group and that reluctance can be an indicator, but it’s not definite. Socks down the trousers can hide the inadequacy in clothes and unlike a terminator stabbing them won’t reveal much except that they bleed. Which leaves you with kicking them in the nuts, the pain of which is fakeable if you’ve seen it happen often enough or drug their mead and take a good look around when they are sleeping. Rule #3 drug your date.
When tackling dating in a skynet situation there are several added dangers, not least of which is infiltration begins long before the actual apocalypse. The Sarah Connor Chronicles clearly catalogues the danger to smart women in potentially useful positions. The terminators look human, they can act human, they can make you fall in love with them. How do you know the man you are dating is actually a man and not a machine?
Well there are a few simple rules that can help.
Don’t be too clever with technology. Seriously, by instantly losing the ability to work the remote control the minute a man walks in the room you may be able to throw the terminator off the scent. For all we know they don’t actually have your picture on file. This girl can’t work a remote she can’t possibly be the one we are looking for, move on. It’s a long shot, but it’s a simple enough precaution to take, you can drop it after a year or two and there is some fun to be had from the exasperated expressions you are on the receiving end of in the mean time. So Rule #1 – Be a technotard
Next up is your job, what are the chances that the job you do will link to political decisions, technology being contracted, military use at some point in the future? I should really switch back to constructing cycle ways because all this work with real time information is dangerous ground, it has a strategic use for the would be AI overlord. So Rule #2 ‘fuck this and be a stripper’
There is of course a way to be absolutely sure be it’s high risk. Shoot or stab your would be beau. The risks are obvious, if he’s not a terminator you go to prison, if he is, he’s likely to kill you for it and either way you are going to be single again. If you are a skilled sharp shooter you could try a shot in the shoulder from thick scrub and a long distance but it’s a lot of effort and most of us aren’t sharp shooters. Rule #3 Stab your man.
These same issues apply post apocalypse as the AI may try to infiltrate the survivors to root them out. At that point since prison is less of a concern and you have back up, stabbing is a much more viable option and the previous two are sadly irrelevant.
Post apocalypse you do face the same issues of ulterior motives and bacteria that you face during a zompoc so refer to #1 in this series for some considerations regarding dealing with definitely live human men.
Ok, you’ve survived the apocalypse, with a plucky team of fellow survivors you are searching for a sensible place to make a more permanent settlement and start growing your crops (see Dig for when the Canned Goods Run Out). You have your weapons, your armour, your shoes and hat, a solid group around you and almost certainly lice. Now you are starting to think, when you reach somewhere safe you might even have time for a few recreational activities, or you might need to start repopulating the planet, so how to tackle dating.
Well let’s start with a basic Zompoc scenario and break it down for you.
First things first, in spite of the recent rash of very entertaining zombie romance stories, dead is not an option. Just because they are ambulatory does not mean they will make satisfying lovers. The shambling/running/flesh eating dead will almost certainly want to bite you and not in a cute love nip way, no, this is a serious flesh eating turn you into a zombie way. Dead men need a bullet in the head. That’s rule #1 of zompoc dating, no dead men.
Second, now you’ve found a live one, consider, is he useful? You don’t need a guy who turns into a screaming girl everytime he sees a slug, you need a guy who is going to stand back to back with you in a tight spot and shoot them between the eyes. So, he has to have his own weapons, be unbitten and calm in a crises. It also helps if he’s strong enough to lift heavy things (including you if you twist your ankle in those armadillo shoes we warned you off). So rule #2 consider the practicalities.
Next up, this is a zompoc so all the normal diseases apply and medicine is hard to come by. You have your little skin friends, he probably has his, you need to check what they are, you do not want to catch anything that won’t go away when you get a rudimentary running water system going. Also, remember ticks can lead to limes disease and you do not want to be looking after him when he gets sick, so check him for the nasty little suckers and think, could you put him out of your misery if he became a burden. Rule #3 then, check for infestation.
Finally for the Zompoc, what is he after? Survival chances after zombies attack rely on keeping a low profile and the noise down so smaller groups actually stand a better chance of survival. Quieter, more mobile, able to keep away from the problem and smaller needs for food etc. So what does he gain from hooking up? Will you wake up in the morning with zombies bearing down on you and all your food and weapons gone? These are valuable resources and after all, it’s exactly what you did to that dope a few days earlier when your ammo ran low. Rule #4 Work out his angle.
So to recap, Alive, Useful, Not Diseased, After you not your assets.
Follow these rules and you should only have to deal with the usual dating problems. Sorry can’t help you with those, if I ever figure it out i’m keeping those tricks to myself.
On the other hand, these rules are entirely applicable to pre apocalypse dating. Start out with the question.. ‘What would you do in the Zombie apocalypse’ and you are half way to knowing what you are dealing with.