humor

Surviving Troublesome Times

anglo-saxon poem the seafarer in manuscript

Mæg ic be me sylfum    I can make a true song
soðgied wrecan,    about me myself,
siþas secgan,    tell my travels,
hu ic geswincdagum   how I often endured
earfoðhwile    days of struggle,
oft þrowade,    troublesome times,
bitre breostceare    [how I] have suffered
gebiden hæbbe    grim sorrow at heart

The Seafarer, tenth century Anglo-Saxon poem

How do we survive the days of struggle? How can we cope with enemies who besiege us from every side? The relentless assault is their primary weapon.

It wears us down.

It helps to remember important things: They’re on the wrong side of history. The majority of people are against them. Those who profit from fear have rigged the rules to win the game — they couldn’t win on merit alone. So they gerrymander districts, campaign on lies and when all else fails, control the media.

Make no mistake: they want you to give up.

What kills is letting it rule you. Fight, be determined but be joyful whenever you can. Concentrate on what you can affect. Look at the grand sweep of history: this is the last gasp of the troglodytes. Yes, they might kill us. I remember the Reagan years and all the beautiful people who died. But they will NOT have my joy even if they kill me. I will laugh in their faces when they do.

Tips on surviving and on staying active in your resistance are out there. LAUGH!

Save

Music for the Apocalypse #46: Insect Nation, by Bill Bailey

Comedy, the most essential of tools in your survival kit. If you can’t keep your morale up, you’ll be lost, so keep this song from master musician and comedian, Bill Bailey, to hand. Especially if you find yourself to be a human slave in an insect nation.

And remember: the spiders are not insects, but in the war they will side with the insects.

– Apocalypse Womble out.

Cockneys v Zombies

Oh, you knew it was just a matter of time! Looky there, Avenger and Bond Girl (and overdue for GGSA Idol status) Honor Blackman stars with stalwart Richard Briers and the legendary Alan Ford — and a bunch of young folks — in the latest zombie apocalypse with a twist and a few guffaws. You can bet the Apocalypse Gals will be there!

Cockneys v Zombies: the trailer (h/t to Lochee for the heads up!)

 

~Katemandi, Last Girl on Earth

The Apocalypse according to XKCD

We love seeing people’s views on the Apoclaypse and this came from XKCD

Honeybadger out

VOTE ZOMBIE!

Fed up with all those schools and hospitals costing you money?

Sick of spiraling prices making food and rent unaffordable?

Worried about immigration? Self protection? Foreign assaults on your home soil?

WE HAVE THE ANSWER

VOTE ZOMBIE and you open your mind to a new way of unliving. No more bills, no more shortages, no more fear!

VOTE ZOMBIE and secure your country against the opposition – by eating them!

VOTE ZOMBIE and you can tax the banks that are oppressing the masses – by making them just like you!

VOTE ZOMBIE and you won’t need to worry about unemployed youf rioting in the streets – you can just infect and kill them!

Yes, when YOUR ballot paper comes, you just put a tick in the ZOMBIE box and you’ll never want for anything again.

USE YOUR BRAIN: VOTE ZOMBIE

We promise there will be BRAINS FOR ALL!

Wonderful words by Danie Ware with thanks to @Mercy and @ShapeThrower

Handbook for the Apocalypse: Riddley Walker

by Katemandi, Last Girl on Earth

Apocalyptic fans the world over mourned this week: Russell Hoban has left us to our fates on this earth. Wordy wordy wordsmith Will Self has called Hoban his hero and called Riddley Walker “perhaps the post-nuclear-apocalypse novel sans pareil” and it is an epithet well-earned.

Told in the fractured post-nuclear apocalyptic English of a twelve year old just reaching his rite of passage, the novel offers an indelible image of the blighted world to come and demonstrates the importance of keeping your Punch and Judy puppets close to hand.

In its pages you will find optimum tips for surviving the apocalyptic future, making coal, hunting wildlife with a spear, exploring the archeology of the past world and of course, the undying importance of storytelling as the way we make sense of even the most destructive world.

Trubba not and watch out for the arga warga.

Know Your Idols #18: Charly Baltimore

by Katemandi, Last Girl on Earth

You wake up in suburbia but something tells you it might not be where you belong. You can’t remember the rest of your life and you settle into being a teacher and a mom and bake for the PTA. Then one day you discover a brilliant skill with knives. You’re a chef!

Oh, wait — you’re not. You’re a killer.

Geena Davis’s turn as Charly Baltimore in The Long Kiss Goodnight offers an excellent role model for the post-apocalyptic woman (Davis herself is no slouch as a role model, too). See her trade witticisms with Samuel L. Jackson, survive torture and Craig Bierko. Charly kicks, shoots, knifes, skates, loves her husband and daughter and drinks vodka neat. Brava.

And the film is great fun, too. Consider it part of your holiday training.

Preparing Your Children

by Katemandi, Last Girl on Earth

If you rely on standardized exams to prepare your children for the apocalypse, you will find your tots will not cope well with the demands of the post-apocalyptic world. Here is a training film that will better prepare them for the realities. Get your conch out and sharpen that spear.

Velma Will Survive, Will You?


Better Dead Than Zed,

Green Valkyrie

Cocktail Cabinet of the Apocalypse #4: Irn-Brute

by Katemandi, Last Girl on Earth

When the apocalypse comes most soft drinks will be lost. Mere carbonated bevvies just can’t survive that kind of mayhem. Only IRN-BRU, the drink made from girders, will survive. You will be distilling alcohol in a Baroque system of tubes that used to supply your refrigerator with freon, so it will taste like mole vomit anyway. Irn-Bru will make it taste like a slightly more appetizing creature’s boak.

The recipe is simple:

  • Get Irn-Bru.
  • Fill a cracked pint glass halfway with your post-apocalyptic moonshine.
  • Add Irn-Bru to the glass until it reaches the pint line.
  • Agitate.
  • Swill.
  • Hope you don’t go blind.
  • Repeat as needed.

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