Apocalypse Warning!

The Apocalypse has begun and we never saw this coming!
Reports are coming in from survivors in Scotland that the Wild Haggis, tired of years of being hunted as a Burns night delicacy has turned the tables and is now hunting down the inhabitants of Scotland and gorging on human intestines.
Isolated attacks started in the Highlands a week ago and have since spread across the country with these creatures moving on mass into built up areas.
The Haggis is a small creature, which due to it’s preferred hillside territory evolved legs shorter on one side than the other. They were previously considered not to be dangerous. Their restricted movement made them easy prey however appears they are overcoming issues of direction and balance by crab stepping across the country.
Reports are showing injuries to the lower legs and throat as well as the victims stomachs being opened and intestines either devoured or pulled out of the body. We assume from this that the small creatures are felling people by attacking the legs first, killing them by ripping the throat and then taking their time with a pointed comment on their own fate at our hands.
So far they have been unable to cross the border but it seems inevitable that at some point they will figure out that Hadrian’s wall is no longer the barrier it once was and England will fall.
We have no reports of anyone having survived a direct attack or escaping after visual contact with a Haggis, the information we have comes from small groups of survivors who have found the remains from earlier massacres.
No one has made it out of Scotland since this began but the GGSA has received emails and photos. The Haggis’ have organised, setting traps and ambushes, attacking cars full of fleeing families and rampaging through busy tourist attractions using panic and terror to confuse their victims.
Troops are being prepared and will be sent to defend the border but you should prepare yourselves for attack. The Haggis is small, resourceful and utterly utterly deadly. Scotland has been given up as lost, any survivors need to get to the army camps at the border before cleansing begins.
We will keep the site live as long as possible and post information on gathering points as well as updates as they come in. If you have information or have anything that will work against this unforeseen and terrifying threat please contact us and gods help us all.

Music for the Apocalypse #27: The Poison Summer (aka The Boys of Summer), by Don Henley

by Apocalypse Womble

OK, so ‘The Boys of Summer’ may seem like an odd choice, but, thanks to my mishearing the lyrics as ‘The Poison Summer’ for years until someone showed me the title of the song, this song is lodged in my brain of one of the cooler post-apocalypse songs out there. Honestly, just that one small change and it reads perfectly as a guy driving through a poisoned and deserted world, remembering the woman he loves, hoping to find her and forge a life with her again once whatever it is that has poisoned everything has reduced to a level that’s safe. Check out the lyrics, it works:

Nobody on the road
Nobody on the beach
I feel it in the air
The summer’s out of reach
Empty lake, empty streets
The sun goes down alone
I’m drivin’ by your house
Though I know you’re not at home
But I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin’ in the sun
You got your hair combed back and your sunglasses on, baby
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the poison has gone

I never will forget those nights
I wonder if it was a dream
Remember how you made me crazy?
Remember how I made you scream
Now I don’t understand what happened to our love
But babe, I’m gonna get you back
I’m gonna show you what I’m made of

I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin’ in the sun
I see you walkin’ real slow and you’re smilin’ at everyone
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the poison summer has gone

Out on the road today, I saw a DEADHEAD sticker on a Cadillac
A little voice Inside my head said, “Don’t look back. You can never look back.”
I thought I knew what love was
What did I know?
Those days are gone forever
I should just let them go but-

I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin’ in the sun
You got that top pulled down and that radio on, baby
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the poison has gone

I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin’ in the sun
You got that hair slicked back and those Wayfarers on, baby
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the poison has gone

I swear – this is what the lyrics should have been. Unfortunately, I was unable to unbed a video of this; there are no official videos for the song on YouTube, and it looks like Mr Henley has been enforcing his copyright. I did find this live version sung by him, but embedding has been disabled. Oh well, it’s still a kickass song.

 – Apocalypse Womble out.

Know Your Idols #22 – Adele Blanc-Sec

When her sister accidentally ends up with a hairpin lodged in her brain, adventurer and writer Adele Blanc-Sec knows what she must do – raise an Egyptian mummy who has the skills she needs to cure her sister.

What’s her deal:
Set before WWI Adele is a cynical yet famous adventurer and writer who faces many different foes, including corrupt officials and supernatural creatures. The comics cover her exploits predominantly in Paris but also other countries whilst in the movie our heroine heads to Egypt. She’s probably best described as a cross between Indiana Jones and Victoria Beckham. No matter what the situation, she remains calm in the face of danger and deals with all she meets in a respectful but no nonsense manner, including when meeting an Egyptian pharaoh she helped raise from the grave and an over-enthusiastic fanboys. Adele will do whatever it takes to reach her goals, be it learning how to ride a pterodactyl, challenging officials or creating a number of different characters to ensure she can gain access to the information or people she needs.

Les Aventures extraordinaires d’Adèle Blanc-Sec (The Extraordinary Adventures of Adele Blanc-Sec) (the comics) 1976
Les Aventures extraordinaires d’Adèle Blanc-Sec (The Extraordinary Adventures of Adele Blanc-Sec) (the movie) 2010

She says:
Death is the only path that leads to birth

Adele: ‘What’s move in Arabic?’
Camel herder: ‘Yallah, Miss Adele.’
(the camel still won’t move) Adele: ‘And ‘move, you ass, or you’re dead?”

(Narrater) One thing you should know about Adele, she listens to her instincts, not her publishers.

Like our own feral leader, Adele challenges the preconceived notions of societal constraints of the day, all whilst rocking a variety of stunning outfits with a single mindedness we should all hope to attain.

Know Your Idols #21 – Victoria

by GClarkHellery

Victoria is best described as Martha Stewart meets Mrs Smith – perfectionist home maker who can whip up a frenzy of kick ass faster than a soufflé.

What’s her deal:
A professional assassin, Victoria retired from the intelligence service after events in Guatemala. She was the best sniper MI6 had. Whilst working for them she fell in love with a Russian spy (Ivan Simanov) and her loyalty to queen and country was called into question. Putting her career before her man, Victoria staged an assassination of Ivan, shooting him three times in the chest, but missing his heart with each shot. Dragged out of retirement by Frank Moses she proves she’s still got what it takes and can take down even the best of men while wearing killer shoes, red lipstick, and an evening gown.

Red (the movie) 2010
Red (the comic) 2010 DC Comics

She says:
Frank Moses: Victoria is the best woman in the world with an RPN.
Sarah Ross: Oh, wow. Um, what’s an RPN?
Victoria: [smiling] I kill people, dear.

Victoria: I was in love with an agent once.
Sarah Ross: What happened?
Victoria: Well, I was with MI6, and the relationship wasn’t… sanctioned. So when it came to light, my loyalty was questioned, and I was ordered to kill him. It was a test.
Sarah Ross: What did you do?
Victoria: I put three bullets in his chest.

Victoria proves that there is art in assassination and brings a level of class and sophistication to the rag-tag group of assassins. She shot the man she loved to save herself and him. She also proves that there is no age limit on when it comes to looking glamorous while firing a gun and that army boots can be worn with an evening gown.

Zombie Attack Shoe Tips #2

Yes, remember ladies… the zombie apocalypse could strike at any time!
Accessories are always important. And never more so than in combat situations. Make sure you don’t get caught short in the survival fashion stakes with only a pair of flip-flops to hand.

Killer heels are always a must. (Colour optional.)

What to do if you’re turned into an animal

by GClarkHellery

Having been struck down by a version of the T-Virus which has left me bed-ridden, waiting for ‘the change’ to occur, I’ve been watching a lot of movies and I’ve noticed a trend: people get turned into animals with alarming regularity. I’m thinking of ‘The Emperors New Groove’, ‘Help I’m a Fish’, or ‘Spirited Away’ to name a few.

The impact of being a bitten by a werewolf or a vampire have been covered to death (excuse the pun) and all of the Apocalypse Girls are fully prepared should the worst happen, but what would you do if you woke up and found you were a fish? Or a llama? Or a pig? Suddenly you’ve gone from being at the top of the food chain to very much on the menu. So what can you do? Here’s a quick guide for if you wake up with a surprising number of additional limbs, or none at all.

Make yourself look bigger: Ostrich, cats, puffer fish and many other creatures use this tactic. If you look bigger than you actually are the chances are any predator will start having second thoughts and look for smaller fish to fry.

Camouflage: The chameleon is a successful predator as well as being on the menu for snakes and birds of prey. The reason for their success is their amazing camouflage, so look around you. Are you in a jungle? A coral reef? Try and blend in, being unseen is your best defence.

Stay on your feet. Remember all those wildlife shows with David Attenborough’s dulcet tones covering the killing of yet another antelope? What is the downfall (excuse the pun) of each of these creatures? They don’t stay on their feet. As soon as you’re on the ground you’re as good as dead. It’s difficult to defend yourself as your spreadeagled on the floor and it’s a lot easier for predators to attack your weak spots so as the song says ‘Keep on running’.

Safety in numbers. When you’re a tasty treat for a larger predator your safety lies in numbers. Think of the ‘bait balls’ of fish such as sardines, who congregate in large numbers. In the same way that camouflage helps you blend in, become part of the crowd, it might keep you alive.

Prepare food and be patience: As an animal you’re going to have to adapt what you eat and how to fit with your new lifestyle. For example, there is a group of monkeys in Boa Vista who love a certain type of nut. However, these nuts are tough to crack so they know that in order to prepare them they have to peel away the outer layers and leave the nuts in the sun for a week or two to dry out, then using heavy stones they can smash open the nut casing and enjoy the treat inside.

Let someone else be the hero: There’s an episode of ‘Life’ (voiced by the delectable David Attenborough) where juvenile penguins discover the sea for the first time. They are all eager to dive in, but one (the hero) beats everyone else to it. And what happened? The lion seal snagged him. This goes for horror movies, space ships and most definitely humans turned into animals – let someone else be the hero because they’re the ones who frequently end up being dissected on a slab by the Predator.  

Find the one who turned you: Lets face it, you don’t just wake up and discover you’re an animal. Well, ok, most of the time you do, but generally there’s someone behind your transformation. Often it’s a wicked witch or warlock, a naughty sibling intent on revenge or a myriad of other people. In order to return to your human shape you need to find this person and then use your powers of persuasion (or a firm flipper!) to encourage them to turn you back. However, if all else fails, you should by now be fully equipped to live life as an animal.

Which of the Crawley sisters would survive the apocalypse?

NLV: Ten Ways To Recognize A Vampire Neighborhood

I saw this and thought a vampire apocalypse, before it begins where do you NOT want to be. Well look around you for these symptoms. This was posted they seem to have an good idea on Vamps over there. Check them out.

NLV: Ten Ways To Recognize A Vampire Neighborhood: During the last months, I’ve given some advice to those who consider becoming a creature of the night. Now let me focus on those who prefer…

New Years Resolutions for the Pre-Apocalyptic Girl

Well here there goes another year and what do you have to show for it?

Everything, YOU ARE ALIVE!! If the only thing you have to worry about is staying alive then you did great. But if you are one of those that just wishes to do more than just exist then this is what you need to do.
Girls we need to get you ready for the end of the world, however it may come. Zombies, Aliens, Spam, Nuclear war, Mayan calender mass suicides or the rapture, you need to be ready.
Here are a few things to put on your do before 12-20-12, which I think is the first predicted end of the world…again.
1. Cardio…can’t stress enough. Get on a exercise plan. You don’t need to run marathons just out last the guy next to you.
2. Weapons, pick a weapon you like and learn the hell out of it. Become one with your gun, sword, knives, rocket launcher or bows. Nothing sucks more than a person who can’t use their weapon properly.
3. Back up plans for back up plans. Learn to play chess if you have to. You need to be strategical.
Know your weaknesses and your strengths and your enemies.
4. Have a hideaway. Batman had the Bat Cave, Superman had the Fortress of Solitude and you have…a condo in Miami surrounded by Aliens whom are sucking peoples brains while in their homes. NOT! Find another place to hole up.
5. And lastly, make sure your family is up to this also. Remember, they will look to you since you are prepared. You will have to step it up and make the hard decisions. Like the one to leave your mother-in-law behind because well she smells funny. And we all know zombies have a keen sense of smell, I know its a tough one but so are you.
Now you have the first five of your list. What are some more that we can add?