Need2Know

Music for the apocalypse #18 – Blaze of Glory by Jon Bon Jovi

by GClarkHellery

I thought a bit of music while you pondered your answer to our Fight or Die: An Apocalyptic Dilemma question. Would you rather go down in a ‘Blaze of Glory’ right at the end, or kick up your heels before the first wave of zombies have finished feasting on your neighbours?

Christmas Playlist of the Apocalypse

Merry Christmas everybody! I hope out there in your bomb shelters, bolt holes, or robot sweatshops you’re all bringing the holiday cheer to the darkest time of the year. The apocalypse may have come, but wherever there is tinsel there’s a bit of Christmas spirit.

It was always the tradition in our house to pop a Christmas CD on whilst we decorated the tree, and it’s doubly important to maintain the rituals of civilisation now that central government infrastructures have collapsed. So, to help get everyone in the mood of celebrations whilt you chow down on your rations and watch the fire in the burnt out TV, here’s the Christmas Playlist of the Apocalypse:

To view on YouTube, go here.

Track List
#1 Christmas at Gound Zero, by Weird Al Yankovic
#2 Stop the Cavalry, by Jona Lewie
#3 Carol of the Old Ones, by the HP Lovecraft Historical Society
#4 Chiron Beta Prime, by Jonathan Coulton
#5 Death to the World, by the HP Lovecraft Historical Society
#6 A Post Apocalyptic Christmas, by Art Elliot
#7 Little Rare Book Room, by the HP Lovecraft Historical Society
#8 Post Apocalypse Christmas, by Gruff Rhys
#9 Old Men’s Brains (A Zombie Christmas), by Julie Webster
#10 The Night Santa Went Crazy, by Weird Al Yankovic
#11 Nuclear Winter, by The Department of Public Safety
#12 Silent Night, Blasphemous Night, by the HP Lovecraft Historical Society
#13 The Power of Love, by Frankie goes to Hollywood
#14 Have Yourself a Scary Little Solstice, by the HP Lovecraft Historical Society

 – Apocalypse Womble out.

Empty Roads and pale hills

Driving to visit my parents for Christmas and it was a quiet drive. Not quite post apoc quiet, but the first two hours or so were not far off. Last year I made my way here through snow and once here was trapped for several days, on a hill, water provided by a tower, gas in a tank, generator in the shed just in case.

This year on near empty roads I started to contemplate what it would be like post apocalypse, most people dead. Would there be abandoned cars all over as per Zombieland, would they be all clogged up trying to leave the cities in a panic or would they be neatly and eerily tucked in their regular parking spaces?

Not so funny now: The Clown Apocalypse

by GClarkHellery

Here at the GGSA we like to be prepared for anything. Not all apocalypse are the same, with brain hungry zombies charging through streets, vampires tearing at your neck or werewolves howling at the moon. But what of the more little known types of apocalypse? And how should you best prepare for an invasion of slugs, bunnies or mucus? That’s what we will be looking at today. I’m going to focus on something I know a lot of us are scared of: clowns.

Despite what you might have been told as a child, clowns are not the funny, red nosed, flat footed characters who create balloon animals. Lets be clear.

Clowns. Are. Evil.

Still don’t believe me? Then look no further than the creature in IT, Zombieland and more. See? Evil.It’s very difficult to know when the clown entertaining your children at a party will turn into an evil psychotic killer to it’s best to be prepared and have a supply of the following:

  • Forget fake squeaky hammers. Get a real, metal mallet. A couple of hits to the head should slow any clown down;
  • The red noses make perfect targets. Aim for those;
  • Clowns are easily tripped due to their large flapping feet. Place trip-wires or use debris to clutter their way;
  • Their baggy trousers allow clowns to carry a lot of murderous supplies. However, they are often made from highly flammable material so a carefully thrown match will see that clown dancing the flaming tango;
  • Clowns love balloons. Distract them with some quirky shapes to allow yourself time to escape;
  • A preferred mode of transport is the mini-bicycle. They don’t tend to travel very fast and any small bumps will knock them off;
  • Clowns can be accompanied by monkeys or other comic animal side-kick. These creatures are often more dangerous than the clown and should be approached with extreme caution. Further information about how to kill specific animals will be on this website;
  • There are many jokes about how many clowns can fit into a mini but as with every joke, there’s an element of truth. A lot of crazed clowns can fit in one small car, driven even more crazy by the one annoying clown asking ‘are we there yet?’ for the previous 36hours. Its difficult to take on a vehicle if you’re alone or on foot so it’s best if you can jam their doors before they even get out and save yourself the trouble of multiply kills;
  • No known scientist can explain exactly what goes into a clowns make-up. However, like Achilles and his tendon, remove a clowns make-up and their power slips away. Spray them with a mixture of water, and washing up liquid and that clown will be melting faster than the Wicked Witch of the West.

Good luck ladies and if you hear the music ‘Send in the Clowns’, grab your hammer and be prepared for a hell of a show. Geri out.

Christmas Music for the Apocalypse #6: A Post Apocalyptic Christmas, by Art Elliot

by Ro Smith

I’m branching out. Realising I was in danger of reducing this to the Very Scary Solsitice music for the Apocalypse, I decided to diverge from the wonderful recommendations I received on Twitter, and just see what’s out there. It turns out, there’s quite a bit. Most especially, though, I found Art Elliot, who describes himself as ‘Singer, Songwriter, Survivor’ – in other words, he’s one of us, ladies (even if he is a boy*).

He’s also rather good. The video for ‘A Post Apocalyptic Christmas’ has all the earmarks of a homemade endeavour, and isn’t terribly imaginative, but it’s a nice post-A setting, and the song’s great. And hey, isn’t it all the more awesome to be praising and celebrating a dude who’s out there setting up cool apocalypse stuff on his own?

Check it out, fellow survivors:

What’s even more awesome is that you can download this song for free here. In fact, just go check out his whole website (called ‘The Bunker’) – it’s great!

– Aocalypse Womble out.

*Incidentally, I’d welcome some picks of lady apocalypse musicians – I’ve come across damnably few, and it doesn’t seem right to have so many gents on the Girls’ Guide.

My Plan For The Zombie Apocalypse (Just in Case)

It’s years in the future. The zombies have materialised, the product of rampant scientific experimentation, unexpected contagion, and probably violence on TV. Bloodthirsty computer gamers and action film addicts are clamouring at each and every door, desperate for a taste of human tartare.

Of course, there are some survivors. In this scenario, it seems likely that they are all daily mail readers. Just because y’know that’s how it would end up. Anyway, there are people left over who aren’t dead, or infected, or reclining on their private yacht on their remote personal island wondering what all the fuss is about on the BBC. I’m assuming, because that’s what survivalists do, that I am amongst them, despite my rather different reading habits!

If the above does happen, and I do make it through the first wave of chaos, then I need a plan. Which, after a lot of thinking, and worrying, and forcing people to critique it, I can pretty much say I have. Read on, apocalypse avoiders, read on.

Location

You need somewhere safe. Easily defensible. Somewhere with enough room that you don’t all go mad, with plenty of space for storing tins, and with access to water for when the taps shut off. I have a mental image of an ancient fort, stocked high to the ceiling with Spam and surrounded by zombies. And maybe kittens. For the visuals, y’all.

Personally, I’m heading to Warwick Castle. It’s already got layers of outside fencing with barbed wire that can be somewhat secured to limit zombie penetration (I feel I should reference a diagram here). Then it has the tall castle walls themselves, which can withstand cannon attack – and which presumably can stand up to a hoard of ravenous brain-eaters. Inside these walls it has a large grass area (for planting veg and keeping away the scurvy), and the building itself has lots of rooms and supplies. It’s a few hundred metres from the river too – in short, it’s perfect!

Armoury

You never know, Warwick Castle may actually have it’s own medieval armoury. Which is pretty handy, it must be said, for stocking up on muskets, bayonets and Misericordes (look it up). I can just see me, long bow in hand, going all cavegirl on their arses. But guns and crossbows are needed too, and with that in mind I’d scope out the local gun clubs and police confiscation location, so when news of Armageddon breaks I know where to run to. I’ve also got these awesome punky biker girl boots that would look awesome with me lugging a gun around, but the heel may be a little impractical.

Skills

There is plenty I need to learn to survive the Zombie apocalypse. Follow a strange adolescence wanting to be an herbalist I know enough to get me past in natural foods and medicines – and I have the books too. Hunting, aiming and weapon skills all need a bit of perfecting though (read: I can manage to punch myself in the head at any available opportunity, so I must have the latent ability) – so the plan would be to perfect these skills before Mr Happy-And-Hungry knocks on my door. As for other things that are bound to come in handy – knowing how to pick locks, hotwire a car and fly a helicopter are all things that the movies would have us believe are as vital as breathing. I believe them.

Food

To truly survive, you need to be a hoarder with initiative. First off you need to raid the supermarkets for all those things you can’t make or replace from nature. The more you can eat from cans, the less times you have to go off foraging and end up as supper yourself. High protein, high vitamins, high water – all these will be can-storing mantras for me. Spam, tinned tomatoes, beans, tuna. Then there’ll be the raiding of Holland and Barratt for Berocca, Preventer of The Apocalypse™, keeping ourselves perky and strong. Storing water too will be vital.

The second string to your edible bow will be that which you grow yourself – and, less safely, that which you hunt from the wild. Seeds and animals are all worth gathering if you can. I hope to have goats, and chickens, and maybe a cow or too, plus rows and rows of fruit and veg that, if I’m honest, only ever grown quite so lushly in dreams or Monty Don’s garden. Oh well!

How does this measure up to your Zombie Survival Plan (or VSP as it shall henceforth be known)?

This is the plan of Lauren Cooke, who blogs about everything else over at The Zombie Wears Vintage, from inside her ultra-secure secret lair…

Christmas Music for the Apocalypse #5: Death to the World

by Ro Smith

When dread Cthulhu rises from his slumber, you’d better know how to praise him. Fortunately, the HP Lovecraft Historical Society are here to help. Sing along to ‘Death to the World’.

 – Apocalypse Womble out.

Christmas Music for the Apocalypse #1: Christmas at Ground Zero, by Weird Al Yankovic

by Ro Smith

With the holiday season upon us, it’s important to stay vigilant. Now would be the perfect time for the commie mutant scum to launch their attack. With this in mind, be sure to tune your wireless to ApocalypseGirls FM with the songs to help indoctrinate the family into the appropriate mindset for the end of the world. Over the days up until Christmas we’ll be selecting all the best Christmas Music for the Apocalypse for your listening pleasure.

Let’s start this with a bang: Christmas at Ground Zero, by Weird Al Yankovic

Many thanks to @AlasdairStuart on Twitter for suggesting this. If you have any favourite apocalypse numbers you’d like us to feature, feel free to mention them in the comments, and we’ll see what we can do!

 – Apocalypse Womble out.

Apocalypse pets

Afternoon, ladies!

Foxglove here.
I was thinking as I watched our Greyhound Romeo react very quickly to my husband pretending to be a zombie… that we have a whole new line of defense in family pets.
To be fair, Greyhounds aren’t the most protective or guardy of dogs.
Most of the time they look like this:

Apocalypse pets

Afternoon, ladies!

Foxglove here.
I was thinking as I watched our Greyhound Romeo react very quickly to my husband pretending to be a zombie… that we have a whole new line of defense in family pets.
To be fair, Greyhounds aren’t the most protective or guardy of dogs.
That’s pretty much what they look like most of the time. Yes, he’s snoozing with his cat.
But even a softy like Romeo can be trained to sniff out people who are in the process of becoming brain munching monsters. We have a whole new line of defense at our finger tips ladies.
Don’t underestimate the loyalty of your family pet.
(I pity the fool who takes on our cat – she’s not one for giving up, giving in, or moving on.)
With a little bit of training our pets can act as an early warning system and as a attack animals when required.
If like me you have a Greyhound – then suitable Greyhound attired for fighting zombies is going to be needed. I’d go with built in neck protection and something stylish out of Kevlar… no reason why something like Romeo’s camo jammie pattern couldn’t be used. It has a long neck to protect his delicate throat from being munched by zombies.
The other advantage of a hound like Romeo – is he can out run anything. 70km an hour is not to be scoffed at. Which would make him awesome for delivering messages from one fortress to another. Without cell phones etc, we’re going to have to get creative!

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