Dating in an Apocalypse #1 The Zompoc

by Honeybadger

Ok, you’ve survived the apocalypse, with a plucky team of fellow survivors you are searching for a sensible place to make a more permanent settlement and start growing your crops (see Dig for when the Canned Goods Run Out). You have your weapons, your armour, your shoes and hat, a solid group around you and almost certainly lice. Now you are starting to think, when you reach somewhere safe you might even have time for a few recreational activities, or you might need to start repopulating the planet, so how to tackle dating.

Well let’s start with a basic Zompoc scenario and break it down for you.

First things first, in spite of the recent rash of very entertaining zombie romance stories, dead is not an option. Just because they are ambulatory does not mean they will make satisfying lovers. The shambling/running/flesh eating dead will almost certainly want to bite you and not in a cute love nip way, no, this is a serious flesh eating turn you into a zombie way. Dead men need a bullet in the head. That’s rule #1 of zompoc dating, no dead men.

Second, now you’ve found a live one, consider, is he useful? You don’t need a guy who turns into a screaming girl everytime he sees a slug, you need a guy who is going to stand back to back with you in a tight spot and shoot them between the eyes. So, he has to have his own weapons, be unbitten and calm in a crises. It also helps if he’s strong enough to lift heavy things (including you if you twist your ankle in those armadillo shoes we warned you off). So rule #2 consider the practicalities.

Next up, this is a zompoc so all the normal diseases apply and medicine is hard to come by. You have your little skin friends, he probably has his, you need to check what they are, you do not want to catch anything that won’t go away when you get a rudimentary running water system going. Also, remember ticks can lead to limes disease and you do not want to be looking after him when he gets sick, so check him for the nasty little suckers and think, could you put him out of your misery if he became a burden. Rule #3 then, check for infestation.

Finally for the Zompoc, what is he after? Survival chances after zombies attack rely on keeping a low profile and the noise down so smaller groups actually stand a better chance of survival. Quieter, more mobile, able to keep away from the problem and smaller needs for food etc. So what does he gain from hooking up? Will you wake up in the morning with zombies bearing down on you and all your food and weapons gone? These are valuable resources and after all, it’s exactly what you did to that dope a few days earlier when your ammo ran low. Rule #4 Work out his angle.

So to recap, Alive, Useful, Not Diseased, After you not your assets. 

Follow these rules and you should only have to deal with the usual dating problems. Sorry can’t help you with those, if I ever figure it out i’m keeping those tricks to myself.

On the other hand, these rules are entirely applicable to pre apocalypse dating. Start out with the question.. ‘What would you do in the Zombie apocalypse’ and you are half way to knowing what you are dealing with.

Honeybadger out.

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