Festive Frolics: Your Yuletide Guide to Apocalypse Exercise

by GClarkHellery

The Christmas cake is made, the mince pies are cooling and all the presents are wrapped under the tree. Yep, it’s that time of year again. Christmas!

However, any Apocalypse Girl knows that you need to be prepared at all times. I remember reading once that Bruce Lee never stopped training and I mean never: He would be talking with friends while doing mini push-ups against a wall. As I was struggling home from the shops the other day, this interview with Bruce Lee popped into my brain (you never know where apocalyptic inspiration might strike). Like Bruce Lee, could the Apocalypse Girls incorporate their planning and training into their daily lives? I did a few arm curls with my heavy shopping and feeling like I could take down a werewolf single handedly, I knew we could so here’s a few tips for preparing for the Apocalypse while wrapping, shopping and cooking for Christmas.

  • While basting your Christmas turkey, practice your ‘tap tap’ as if firing a gun. You can even practice your aim by squirting oil on specific spots;
  • Rolls of wrapping paper make excellent mock swords but can also be used to brush up on your staff use, Little John style;
  • Getting bored wrapping? Spin your scissors round and round before dropping them in an imaginary holster;
  • We’ve all seen the apocalypse movies where the ‘friend’ suddenly turns against the group. These people need to be restrained so get twisting with your rolls of tape and practice on your presents;
  • The thing about baubles is they look very similar to grenades. While putting up your Christmas tree, try lobbing a few onto the branches to practice your aim;
  • Get your arms in shape by lifting your bags of presents as you walk home;
  • While your milling with the crowds, take a good look at your fellow shoppers. Could any of them be vampire/werewolf/alien? Take a guess at who might lead the zombie hoards should the apocalypse happen while you’re buying slippers for your gran;
  • Speaking of grans, if yours buys you a truly horrid knitted scarf, count the number of alternative uses of the wool while you force a grin and say thank you. Here’s a few to get you started: tying one end to a rock to help guide you back while you investigate a dark cave, or as a snare to catch food;
  • You’ve read our ANOS article about slugs? (Of course you have, you’re a prepared Apocalypse Girl) Well, if you think of Brussel sprouts as mini slugs, you can practice chopping them in half while popping them in the pot (just don’t imagine slugs while you’re eating them, as sprouts are horrid enough to eat without that image);
  • Mixing Christmas cocktails? (Don’t forget to take a look at our cocktail cabinet for ideas) Well get your shake on as if your were mixing cocktails of a more explosive kind.

Wishing you all a very merry and apocalypse ready Christmas and I hope Father Christmas brings you the crossbow you’ve always wanted.

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