How to Destroy Humanity – A Guide for Alien Invasion, Part 1

So you’ve heard about a dense, blue-green planet in the Milky Way, inhabited by a diverse range of carbon-based lifeforms. It sounds like easy pickings and you never know there might be something useful there. You think you’ll zoom on over and indulge in a spot of conquest and destruction. The planet is called Earth (by some of its ape-descended inhabitants anyway), and crushing it may not be as simple as it sounds.

Worry not, help is at hand/tentacle/appendage.
This guide will take you through the stages necessary when launching an attack on Earth. Hopefully it will help you avoid the pitfalls that could see you and your conquest forces defeated, destroyed or humiliated.
This first installment poses the questions you will need to ask before touching down on Earth.

What do you want from Earth?
Before you gather your forces and board your ship you need to consider what you actually want from Earth. If you are looking for slave labour there’s no point using an attack that kills all the humans. Alternatively if you want to harvest natural resources from the planet, then killing the inhabitants will be a good first step.

Here are a few reasons for conquering a planet, each will affect your approach to invasion.

Natural Resources
Workforce/Slave Labour
Exploration/Experimentation
Prestige
Colonisation
Revenge
Boredom
A better view of Venus

Do your research
Now that you know what you want there is still some planning and research to be done. I know this is not as fun as swooping in, laser cannons blazing, but if you are going to successfully attack Earth and not be killed in the process it is important.

Can anything kill or maim you?

First of all it is important to check if the planet is even remotely habitable. This is what robotic probes and expendable minions are for. There’s no point arriving on Earth only to find that the substance that covers 71% of it’s surface kills you.

Make sure the lifeforms on the planet cannot easily disable you. I know it’s tempting to only monitor the biggest, smartest, and most familiar-looking lifeforms, but remember that on an alien world almost anything might kill you. Any aversion to carbon-based lifeforms will be a major disadvantage. Plus Earth is teeming with micro-organisms that can cause issues unless you properly disinfect your tripedal weapons of conquest. If the native lifeforms are going to cause you a problem consider what hardware you’ll need to wipe them out. If the entire planet is anathema to you, you may have to work at a distance.

Are you invading someone else’s patch?

Does the planet/continent/country/city/dwelling you are invading have a powerful ruler or protector who could cause you problems?

If the answer is yes, you may want to choose a different planet/continent/country/city/dwelling.

Is violence the answer? Do you have the firepower? 

Consider what your goals are and what you have learned from your preliminary research to decide whether it is necessary to actually destroy or conquer the planet. The humans can be troublesome, but they are also malleable. You may find that it’s easier to get what you want through subtle manipulation, brainwashing or outright trickery.

If you really need (or want) to attack make sure you have a good look at Earth’s weapons capabilities. I know at first glance they don’t look very impressive, and it does seem remarkably short-sighted for a species to create so many weapons that harm only themselves. However humankind got where they are by adapting. Just because their tools are crude doesn’t mean they won’t quickly work out ways to use them against you. Before you set out make sure your arsenal is equipped for any situation, and that your own defences are strong enough to withstand a major assault by Earth forces.

Stay tuned for advice on what to do when you have arrived on Earth.

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