Not so funny now: The Clown Apocalypse

by GClarkHellery

Here at the GGSA we like to be prepared for anything. Not all apocalypse are the same, with brain hungry zombies charging through streets, vampires tearing at your neck or werewolves howling at the moon. But what of the more little known types of apocalypse? And how should you best prepare for an invasion of slugs, bunnies or mucus? That’s what we will be looking at today. I’m going to focus on something I know a lot of us are scared of: clowns.

Despite what you might have been told as a child, clowns are not the funny, red nosed, flat footed characters who create balloon animals. Lets be clear.

Clowns. Are. Evil.

Still don’t believe me? Then look no further than the creature in IT, Zombieland and more. See? Evil.It’s very difficult to know when the clown entertaining your children at a party will turn into an evil psychotic killer to it’s best to be prepared and have a supply of the following:

  • Forget fake squeaky hammers. Get a real, metal mallet. A couple of hits to the head should slow any clown down;
  • The red noses make perfect targets. Aim for those;
  • Clowns are easily tripped due to their large flapping feet. Place trip-wires or use debris to clutter their way;
  • Their baggy trousers allow clowns to carry a lot of murderous supplies. However, they are often made from highly flammable material so a carefully thrown match will see that clown dancing the flaming tango;
  • Clowns love balloons. Distract them with some quirky shapes to allow yourself time to escape;
  • A preferred mode of transport is the mini-bicycle. They don’t tend to travel very fast and any small bumps will knock them off;
  • Clowns can be accompanied by monkeys or other comic animal side-kick. These creatures are often more dangerous than the clown and should be approached with extreme caution. Further information about how to kill specific animals will be on this website;
  • There are many jokes about how many clowns can fit into a mini but as with every joke, there’s an element of truth. A lot of crazed clowns can fit in one small car, driven even more crazy by the one annoying clown asking ‘are we there yet?’ for the previous 36hours. Its difficult to take on a vehicle if you’re alone or on foot so it’s best if you can jam their doors before they even get out and save yourself the trouble of multiply kills;
  • No known scientist can explain exactly what goes into a clowns make-up. However, like Achilles and his tendon, remove a clowns make-up and their power slips away. Spray them with a mixture of water, and washing up liquid and that clown will be melting faster than the Wicked Witch of the West.

Good luck ladies and if you hear the music ‘Send in the Clowns’, grab your hammer and be prepared for a hell of a show. Geri out.

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